Please come back home.

Where'd you go?
I miss you so.

Seems like it's been forever

Since you've been gone...

Please come back home.

I'm not sure what is going on in my head.

I dont know what i'm thinking,

What i'm feeling, Where i'm going.

I mean, i have ideas

But none of which will do.

What should i make of it?

Its just like old times.

Before we went out.

He was away in a foreign place

And we spend hours talking about everything.

i'm one of the only people he calls.

He mentioned having to call all these other people

And yet he didnt say he wanted off the phone

And he said he'd call me again tomorrow.

"This better be an incrediby beautiful girl or i'm hanging up."

i miss the way he'd smile and say, "Goodmorning Beautiful."

i think thats what i miss about him;

He's so much better then everyone else.

He makes me feel beautiful,

He makes me laugh,

He makes me happy and i hate it.

What good is going to come of this?

"It's such a comfy bed, and it fits two."

...

"Hint hint."

So it's not just me.

He told me his story about how PDA rules dont apply

when they are on off time.

What he was alluding to, was the hotel i'd be staying at if i visited.

He didnt mean it in anything too explicit

And even if he did, lets face it:

The only reason i didnt sleep with him

Is because i would have felt like a whore.

Two weeks? Come on...

I've been browsing all day long.

How much it might cost,

What way i can get down there,

What lie i can tell my family...

AMTrak, Airplane, Car

Somewhere between 300 to 600 dollars

"I'm going to see [my brother's] girlfriend."

"Heather's grandmother invited me to go to Tahoe for the weekend."

Myabe i'll say i'm going to seem my cousins and staying with them.

My mom will never know, and they'd be really cool about it.

I realize i'm looking too much into this,

i'm thinking about all these things,

making all these plans,

and i know by the time it comes around,

We'll either have faded back to aquaintances,

Or it will just become impossible.

Far away for far too long...

He called me again.

I wasnt quite sure what to make of it last night.

"I thought, 'hey, i havent called her in a few days...'"

My heart did backflips.

I mean, he wanted to talk to me.

His mother called in between and then he called back.

It wasnt long; only an hour or so total.

our house was invaded by guests.

I swear, people have to start saying i'm not home.

(& then not letting them in.)

It was almost like the old times,

When we'd stay up all night and pass out on the phone,

About anything and everything.

He was pretty happy that he was going tobe back up here for about a month,

Though he had forgotten i'm moving before he'll get here.

He'll be back in Texas by the time i'm in California though.

I told him (Half joking so he wouldnt get scared) i'd try and come visit,

I'm not sure if he was joking, but i swear i heard him say,

"...or i could just fly you down."

I want to see him so bad.

Stop breathin' if i dont see you anymore.

I am colorblind...

Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside

I had the shock of my life:
The Air Force Ranger called.
I miss him so much.
Despite what i had thought before all of this,
I think he might actually miss me too.

I want to go see him.
He joked, "You should go to mississippi."
I wonder if i could.
Save up a few 100
and just fly down for a little bit.
As soon as he gets to Texas again,
I'm driving down there...

I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight

I stopped the thing with Bright Eyes,
Whatever small thing it might have been.
I told him to stay away for a few days
I think i'm over him...
Or at least i ought to be.
But i miss him already,
He was such a charming thing
When he was done up properly.

I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in

I can protect myself just fine.
No one really has to know,
I wont say a word.
I think i'm better off
When everything is hidden away...

Why do you see right through me?

I'm so exausted right now.
Bright eyes is driving me insane.
He does these things,
Crazy things, mad things, insane things.
And i'm still head over heals despite him.

The other night at Rico's he was acting different;
He was not his usual ass hole self.
He was pulling me onto his lap and giggling
And i gave him a back massage for a long while.

Today at Matts house,
He layed on my lap as we watched the movie,
And he had requested that i scratch his back.
And when we all went to my house,
He wanted me to give him another massage.

The entire time we watched Day after tomorrow
I sat on his half bare back and gave him chills.
That is until the end when everyone was leaving,
Though my brothers walked in,
We got up on the couch and got tucked under a blanket.

He told my friend that he loves me like a little sister
And i'm debating telling him i dont want to be near him
Because it hurts so god damn bad
To know i can never be with him...

The mask i polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit...

When everything is lonely

I can be my own best friend

I'll get a coffee and the paper,

have my own conversations

with the sidewalk and the pigeons

and my window reflection

The mask I polish in the evening

by the morning looks like shit

-Bright Eyes : Lua

You know,
I'm falling apart in the most unusual way

I dont even see it, but everyone else does.

I'm "detached" as Beautiful and Matt put it.

What does that mean? "Detached?"

I guess i'm fading away...

But i'm struggling.

I'm trying so very hard, but i'm struggling.

I want to be happy.

I tried so hard to be happy today.

I smiled, I chatted, I ran about,

I even made nice conversation with Randy.

And yet, somehow, it didnt happen.

I fought with my mother again,

I got chewed out by the squad at practice,

I've got stress to high hell that i'm a terrible caption.

And i just kinda feel like i am falling off the earth...

Running Scared...

I've come to realize today

that college is right around the corner

And i will admit it

i'm fucking scared.

I dont know if i will be able to handle it

I dont really have what it takes

I mean, i just spent an entire day

Bullshitting up a 4 page paper

Thats how unfocused i am

My grades are shit

I dont turn shit in

I sleep during classes

(this is why, its almost 2 am)

and i really dont think i can handle it

So, As if it wasnt enough i couldnt cut it achademically

I couldnt make it emotionally

Not if i wasnt there with one of my closer friends

(its slim, she is going to end up at a good college,

She has the potential for great things)

But like, could i handle it?

Do you really think i could?

When have i ever handled change well?

I dont think there has ever been a time

And i'm a total wreck about life in general.

Meh. In other news...

It didnt go so well.

I went what, a week?

Without likeing bright eyes?

His relationship thing fell through.

[i dont know why you try,

not like he'll come back to you]

I just wish he didnt get his heart stomped on so much

Him and Chris

Because i love them both

As brothers

As Friends.

This internalization shit?

It sucks.