Fade to Black

I dont know what is going on in my life right now. First off, J was asking me to hang out Thursday after school. We were just going to hang around so he didnt have to go home before the big basketball tournament. I figured, "Sure, why not? I mean hell, its just more time i get to spend with him..." While waiting around at the buses for some odd reason, he left his girlfriend be to stay and entertain me for the most part, Leaving only for a second to hug her goodbye. So yeah, i was pretty amused.

Anyways, walking down to McDonalds i ended up slipping. When i fell, my foot slid underneath me but it didnt hurt at all until i stood up on it. I was infront of a car so i was like... hobbling to the door and into McDonalds. It hurts but i could walk on it. It swelled like a balloon and after i had to put on my shoe a second time i knew i wouldnt be able to walk back to the school. i had to cheer in a bit so i was like, "I'll call mom, go home, ice my foot, and then go cheer." Couldnt put any weight on it... No cheering. After the boys half time i went to the hospital. I fractured it. Six weeks, right at the start of Christmas vacation...

Yeah. Rico was being pretty nice today. In class he started rubbing my back and he wanted me to walk around with him and such. In third we were sending dandy messages which were pretty forward (why else would you sign "besos" (kisses) if you're a guy?) But yeah. Nothing happening there. Nothing happening anywhere. Except here.

I'm getting fat. I have to eat enough so my meds dont fuck up my stomach again and its too much. I pawned off the crackers she wanted me to eat at lunch but i caved on dinner... Ugh, i finally got my mom to agree to the fast too. Damnit!

Yeah. This sucks.
&damaged;Sid

I guess this is the way its guna be...

Its another one of those entries. Dont listen if you dont want a rant i guess...

Maybe its because i'm ugly. Or maybe its because i'm fat. Or maybe its because of my personallity. Or maybe its because i try to hard. Maybe its just me...

Tell me why i've noticed this pattern comming to life... Every guy i have liked (with the exception of the first and last boy friends) has liked my friend. I mean... every single one. The ass hole, the nice guy, the two year wait, the first love, the lusty little boy, the hispanic, the other hispanic i had something with freshman year, the (now) brother... I dont get why either.

No offense but shes a bitch. I mean... i love her but its always about her. She treats these guys like shit. She walks around flaunting herself making sure that they want her and then when ever they come around she smacks them down. Every time. I dont understand why they come back...

I just kind of want to go fall off a cliff right now...
&broken;Sid

That feeling...

Today is just one of those confusing days. The ones where you get that feeling that you dont know if it's good or bad...

I got caption. I've worked for 3 years to get captionship and it finally paid off. Sleepless nights and no breaks was all it took. Where does that leave me? A crippling pain in my thigh because i cant hold out for a day (too close to the tournament) and several other things that periodically shoot pain into random parts of my body (back and arms... who knows...). I hate how i'm always hurt. Its always. Every practice we've had something has gone wrong. Ankle, back, wrist, arm, calves, thighs... I'm so weak.

And other matters... I pretty much told my ex (the one i dated this time last year) (we'll call him J) that i never stopped liking him. Mistake? Maybe... I dont really know. He still dates that one chick who he is pretty much "in love with." He yelled at me down the hall today, "you left me last night!"I didnt know what to say. I knew he had gotten the reply where i told him i never did stop liking him... i wanted to ask him what he thought... If he stopped liking me... If... i dont know. I told him i got caption today. He didnt really seem to care, i guess he doesnt care about me then...

I dont think i mentioned, Rico kissed me the other night. I was taken aback but quite happy. Or so i thought... It was a spur of the molment thing for him, in my friend's garage after a cigarette. Kinda want another one just to see if i like him... you know how i am... "Its all in the kiss."

I found out my friend is pregnant. Actually friends. I now have 5 friends who are pregnant.I love them. All of them are keeping; i'm so unbelieveibly happy about that. You know how i am about abortion and stuff... "Angel" is the only one really open about it. She's 8 months, expecting in 2 weeks. I'm so happy! "Annie" is 4 or 5, and a little open. She talks about it but she hasnt started flaunting it yet like Angel. The others arent open and arent really planning on being open... You dont know them, dont judge them...

Uh... I started a list today. Things i learned in High School. I'll write it all out tomorrow. Or whenever i finish. Its got to be the most honest thing i've ever written. I like my honesty now...

♥Sid is Confused.

Whats wrong with this picture?

Somethings wrong with me. I'm developmentally delayed or something. The problems and feelings everyone got in 7th grade are happening now. Why do i care who likes me? Why does it matter that someone likes me? Why do i have to talk to my ex's? Why do i let them confuse me? Why am i the way i am?

Went skating. With one of the guys i like (We'll call theic one Rico. Like starship troopers) and it was pretty fun after feeling like an ugly shit for half the day. But yeah, he was helping me skate (i'm so bad at it) and we had a blast. Then my ex showed up. I get really nervous when he's around because i always feel the need to impress him (He's extremely competitive and likes to joke around at my lack of talent for things). So i spaz. And i start to suck again.

Later Rico and i are frolicing off to get water and play on the playground and his ex/my old friend shows up. Why? I dont know. He hated her a few days ago if i was correct. She still wont talk to me because of it. I dont get it but i'm avoiding doing it again (i'll explain later). So yeah, they're talking. She's obviously not there to skate and her sister wasnt there so that wasnt it. She was there for him. Jealous much? Deffinatly. I guess i want what i cant have... I want it all too. He drove off with her when the rink closed...
They're probably off having sex or something... I'm confused.

So i'm still pretty giddy as i'm still with friends. Rico was playing with my hands a little... you know, twisting his fingers into mine in a suttle mannor. Or maybe i'm just a spaz and it was an accident... I'm confused.

Get home. Just feel like talking to Rico. My other ex is on, the one whom i was pretty much in love with. We've been talking a lot more lately despite the fact he lives on the east coast now... The other day, When we got off the phone somehow "i love you" sliped out. Habits die hard i guess. Or maybe i still do. Who knows. He and i were talking quite a bit for a few minutes and then my other friend whom he's been getting to know (a guy even)got on and we stopped talking. Eh... Not much to complain about except he's been telling me about his sex life with his girl friend over there while pretty much telling me he wants to sleep with me when he comes up... I'm confused.

My other ex... (Sorry... i know. But i dont like giving names). The one i went out with around this time last year. He tells me he's learning Sweet child o'mine and Paradise city on guitar. I'm impressed. I love Guns and Roses. Then he informs me he's learning another song by them and has me guess. Dont Cry, my absolute favorite song. he replies, "I know, thats why i started learning it. Now i'm just finishing because i've gotten better." I dont know what to make of this one... Maybe my desires are skewing my judgement. I saw him today at the store at lunch and he was like, "Hey, i havent goetten a hug in a really long time..." After a breif conversation he started doing that sexual implication thing... His jacket was cold on the outside but he was warm on the inside (mind you at this point he was pointing to his pants...)... I'm confused.

A guy who i had a history with is back in the picture. We were about to go out but then he pretty much left me (several times)for other girls. That was freshman year. We didnt talk for a long time because of that but now we were talking again. I knew he was at it again when he started telling me i was beautiful and such. I didnt want to go back to where we had been but after going to his game he asked me, "Would you ever go out with me? After we start hanging out and such again?" Nice guy but not what i want. Not what i need now i know. He hasn't changed. He actually got one of my friends knocked up and got some of my other friends (the pretty one who has her pick included... go figure) drunk tonight. The other girl, the one who drove off with my ex, likes him. Just to throw that out, she'd get pissed if she knew what he had asked... I'm confused.


fuck i bitch about nothing a lot.

Why do you get all the love in the world?

Everyone has that one friend who is so beautiful and knows it and flaunts it. I love my friend but i dont know how i'm going to be taking this year because of this. I feel like shit tonight. I feel ugly. I feel fat. I feel cowardly. I feeldisgusting. I feel like a loser.

Isnt that what i am though for always comming in second best to her? I know we all brag a little and its not that she brags its just that i cant handle the fact her life is what mine is not. The guy i like is into her just because she's pretty. The guy i used to like was into her because she's pretty. My ex's liked her because she's prettier then me. I'm always second best and ugly with this girl.

I cant wait to go away this winter. I'm going to cut my hair and work out and tan and get new makeup and new clothes and maybe we'll be on the same level. I dont know if its going to work as well as i want because she has the attutude as well...

I dont even get why so many people want her. No offense but she is kind of a huge bitch to people, she's pretty shallow and she thinks very highly of herself. Maybe thats what guys like. Its like on "a beautuful mind." They all go for the blonde bombshell knowing they will get turned down and then pick her friends second best. Then they give the cold shoulder and no one gets laid. Only thing is... With me, Hardly any of them come to the friends, they get stuck on the bombshell.

Makes me want to die i feel so ugly inside. I think she makes sure i feel that way. She's competitive like that.

Why do you get all the love in the world??

Watching all the insects march along
Seem to know just right where they belong
Smears of face reflecting in the crawl
Hiding in the crowd, I'm all alone

No one's heard a single word I've said
They don't sound as good outside my head
It looks as though the past is here to stay
I've become a million miles away

Why do you get all the love in the world? (2x)

All the jagged edges disappear
Colors all are brighter when you're near
The stars are all afire in the sky
Sometimes I get so lonely I could...

Why do you get all the love in the world? (4x)

Why do you get all the love in the world? (4x)

Why do you get all the love in the world?

Trent knew what was going on... He knows.

Theres more but i'm going to go try being social... Ugly and Social.