The best i've had in a while. I guess all the stress is gone today because i broke up with my boyfriend and i didnt have cheerleading today... Its kind of nice to not feel like i'm dieing. I havent had much of a problem with my chest spazims and no heart problems today... I mean yesterday at practice my heart felt so heavy and over worked it was going to explode. It was rather scary because it just felt thick... no irregular beat or shallowness or tiredness or anything... Just a bad feeling...
Today was swell. I saw that guy "Tim" today a few times. He was runnung around being his usual silly self. He's so cute... haha. Yeah, and go figgure i'm shy to talk to him... Guess its because i dont want to scare him off because he seems like a good friend to have... I need some more good friends. So school was good in that way...
When I came home and got on the computer in time to talk to one of my best friends. It was so good to have a semi-lengthy conversation with her again, i miss her sooo much. I'm really happy that we got to talk about everything that's been going on lately... makes me feel like i'm a little part of her life again... You know how i can get about stuff like that.
So yeah. That was my day... I still dont feel too good though for some reason...
♥Sid
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Monday, November 20, 2006
Faster, stronger, better...
Maturation... Its Interesting. My boyfriend and i broke up today. Its a bummer, i really liked him, but it was pretty much mutual. We were good lovers but better friends. That's pretty much what it was in the end. We wanted friends back... it was better then.
When i called him i planned on asking if he still wanted to be together since things had been so awkwardly distant lately... Before i could he asked if i could possibly go out with him so we could talk. He picked me up from the driveway and we drove around a little bit, fifteen minutes tops. We parked at the beach and it was pretty much... "Is this the akward attempt at a breakup?" "Yeah, pretty much." It was clear we felt the same... We just wanted our best friend back... No odd tension, no worries about making time, no rumors to deal with... You know. Just friends.
We're going to hang out Sunday, probably ice skating. It should be fun...
I'm pretty proud of myself... This isn't affecting me nearly as much as it should i suppose. Or atleast as much as i thought it would. I guess thats what happens when you get older... Your wall wont let you get hurt... I feel better then before, hence the title. I mean... i really felt a lot for him but i'm completely okay right now... No regrets, no reservations. I'm happy... I like to be happy.
♥Sid who is happy...
When i called him i planned on asking if he still wanted to be together since things had been so awkwardly distant lately... Before i could he asked if i could possibly go out with him so we could talk. He picked me up from the driveway and we drove around a little bit, fifteen minutes tops. We parked at the beach and it was pretty much... "Is this the akward attempt at a breakup?" "Yeah, pretty much." It was clear we felt the same... We just wanted our best friend back... No odd tension, no worries about making time, no rumors to deal with... You know. Just friends.
We're going to hang out Sunday, probably ice skating. It should be fun...
I'm pretty proud of myself... This isn't affecting me nearly as much as it should i suppose. Or atleast as much as i thought it would. I guess thats what happens when you get older... Your wall wont let you get hurt... I feel better then before, hence the title. I mean... i really felt a lot for him but i'm completely okay right now... No regrets, no reservations. I'm happy... I like to be happy.
♥Sid who is happy...
Monday, November 13, 2006
Why did you fade away?
Another of those songs that just blow you away with how closely they relate to your current life...
"Remember the times I sat on your lap
The way you'd always touch my knees
It seems like yesterday I was fading
I feel your hands still touch my face
And all I wanted from you was to love me
For me to be free from you, I must be free from...
(Chorus)
Me!
But now you fade away
You're all I was before
But now you fade away
Your eyes I once adored
But now you fade away
Give me one last kiss before,
Before you fade away
You're all I have anymore..."
-One less reason: Worthless
One of those songs. You can guess who, its not that hard. Its getting worse and worse by the day, i guess i'll just ride on rims until he pulls the plug...
X|Sid
"Remember the times I sat on your lap
The way you'd always touch my knees
It seems like yesterday I was fading
I feel your hands still touch my face
And all I wanted from you was to love me
For me to be free from you, I must be free from...
(Chorus)
Me!
But now you fade away
You're all I was before
But now you fade away
Your eyes I once adored
But now you fade away
Give me one last kiss before,
Before you fade away
You're all I have anymore..."
-One less reason: Worthless
One of those songs. You can guess who, its not that hard. Its getting worse and worse by the day, i guess i'll just ride on rims until he pulls the plug...
X|Sid
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Whats here today is gone tomorrow
Today was swell and yet some how in the last two hours i managed to break down. The "today" in the title however is referring to yesterday and "tomorrow" is today. I was happy yesterday but today it wasnt so great so that i would not cry... Odd but let me first explain yesterday...
I was rather happy for a sudden change. My friend and i went to the blazare, which is kind of like a once a year flea-market. It was pretty lame, few items interesting enough to pass by twice. I bought some amazing chapstick with soy in it so it feels amazing and feel in love with this new kind of gem i saw named rainbow something. Its an amazing blue green color.
After that we wandered down town for a long while. We visited a few shops, ate lunch, wandered a little and made our way back up to the school. Since the play wasn’t until later that night we decided to go watch the wrestling matches. Unfortunately we saw someone eating a Frito pie (Fritos, chili, and cheese) and for some reason my fat ass wanted some on top of the cupcake and the plate of rice I had from lunch.
My friend started talking to someone who she considers a brother of sorts. The one who you’re never really around but you care about so much and wish you were closer… yeah, that type of brother. I’ve seen him around the school or at her house fooling around. He’s a pretty funny guy, the kind I’d like to get to know. I’m giving him a makeshift name because I hope to have more encounters with him, we’ll call him Tim.
It was one of the more amusing matches I’ve ever been to, perhaps because my new found friend was joking around the whole time. When my friend had to leave around 5, he stayed to watch the games with me. Some might be wondering, “Perhaps he just didn’t want to move.” True, but once his friend left for awhile, he still stayed with me instead of moving with his other friends. A rather amusing person, a good friend to have when your day was going no where.
My boyfriend came over after that. It was like it was for a day, I was pretty happy about that. I mean… he actually kissed me. And seemingly meant it… Yeah, I know I’m a spaz, but that’s usually a big cue for me a relationship is falling… He called and heard that he wasn’t supposed to work today. I was beyond estatic because we were all going to go paintballing so we’d be spending the whole day together on our 1 month anniversary.
He got called into work instead. He told us he’d be out there around 3 to paintball with us but he didn’t get out until around 5. We went paintballing twice, both times I got the shit kicked out of me. I only got shot maybe twice while playing by rules, but after my friends decided to shoot me point blank. My friend shot me in the ass from 6 feet away. I turned and shot her twice before my brother knocked me 4 times in the calves. I have these bleeding welts on my legs the size of softballs.Needless to say I was in quite a bit of pain whenever anything (including the pant leg of my sweats) touched my welts.
Well, when we got back to the house the remainder of our anniversary was spent playing basketball and Zelda. I don’t think he had any idea it was 1 month. He asked why I seemed so sick so I blamed it on my stomach, said I was sick somehow. My stomach hurt because I wanted to throw up from all the stress.
Boyfriends, cheerleading, school, grades, family, pain, weight, depression… All too much to stomach right now, quite literally. I know I’m a bitchy teen and these are all just superficial problems but they seem so much more then skin deep… Its SI time again. But I’m no longer cutting, or I’ll try not to. Yesterday morning after a fight with the scale and my mom I beat my legs with a wrench until they couldn’t move. Not the smartest of things but it certainly made me feel so much better about what was going on. And this way I don’t regret anything like scars or medical problems later… The only good thing about paintball is I got to blame the monstrous bruises on the paintballs.
♥Broken Sid
I was rather happy for a sudden change. My friend and i went to the blazare, which is kind of like a once a year flea-market. It was pretty lame, few items interesting enough to pass by twice. I bought some amazing chapstick with soy in it so it feels amazing and feel in love with this new kind of gem i saw named rainbow something. Its an amazing blue green color.
After that we wandered down town for a long while. We visited a few shops, ate lunch, wandered a little and made our way back up to the school. Since the play wasn’t until later that night we decided to go watch the wrestling matches. Unfortunately we saw someone eating a Frito pie (Fritos, chili, and cheese) and for some reason my fat ass wanted some on top of the cupcake and the plate of rice I had from lunch.
My friend started talking to someone who she considers a brother of sorts. The one who you’re never really around but you care about so much and wish you were closer… yeah, that type of brother. I’ve seen him around the school or at her house fooling around. He’s a pretty funny guy, the kind I’d like to get to know. I’m giving him a makeshift name because I hope to have more encounters with him, we’ll call him Tim.
It was one of the more amusing matches I’ve ever been to, perhaps because my new found friend was joking around the whole time. When my friend had to leave around 5, he stayed to watch the games with me. Some might be wondering, “Perhaps he just didn’t want to move.” True, but once his friend left for awhile, he still stayed with me instead of moving with his other friends. A rather amusing person, a good friend to have when your day was going no where.
My boyfriend came over after that. It was like it was for a day, I was pretty happy about that. I mean… he actually kissed me. And seemingly meant it… Yeah, I know I’m a spaz, but that’s usually a big cue for me a relationship is falling… He called and heard that he wasn’t supposed to work today. I was beyond estatic because we were all going to go paintballing so we’d be spending the whole day together on our 1 month anniversary.
He got called into work instead. He told us he’d be out there around 3 to paintball with us but he didn’t get out until around 5. We went paintballing twice, both times I got the shit kicked out of me. I only got shot maybe twice while playing by rules, but after my friends decided to shoot me point blank. My friend shot me in the ass from 6 feet away. I turned and shot her twice before my brother knocked me 4 times in the calves. I have these bleeding welts on my legs the size of softballs.Needless to say I was in quite a bit of pain whenever anything (including the pant leg of my sweats) touched my welts.
Well, when we got back to the house the remainder of our anniversary was spent playing basketball and Zelda. I don’t think he had any idea it was 1 month. He asked why I seemed so sick so I blamed it on my stomach, said I was sick somehow. My stomach hurt because I wanted to throw up from all the stress.
Boyfriends, cheerleading, school, grades, family, pain, weight, depression… All too much to stomach right now, quite literally. I know I’m a bitchy teen and these are all just superficial problems but they seem so much more then skin deep… Its SI time again. But I’m no longer cutting, or I’ll try not to. Yesterday morning after a fight with the scale and my mom I beat my legs with a wrench until they couldn’t move. Not the smartest of things but it certainly made me feel so much better about what was going on. And this way I don’t regret anything like scars or medical problems later… The only good thing about paintball is I got to blame the monstrous bruises on the paintballs.
♥Broken Sid
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Romeo and her Rosaline
“Many a morning hath he there been seen,
With tears augmenting the fresh morning's dew,”
Romeo and Juliet.
It seems to me that there is something strange going on. What this is I don’t quite know, just that its bothering me. Its 8:17 am and I already feel like crying.
Maybe I was expecting too much. I fell too hard and too fast. Like Romeo to his Rosaline. He’s “in love” with Rosaline at the beginning of the play. Without knowing the story you’d never suspect it to stray from the two.
We’re like them, Romeo and Rosaline. Who is who I’m not even sure. I, like Romeo, have my attention fixed on someone who seemingly does not care. He, like Romeo, was “in love” and crazy about me and has changed his mind to call it nothing.
I’m done I guess, I quit the play. Romeo and Juliet was all too tragic for me anyways. We were supposed to talk yesterday but we never did on account of both of us. He was supposed to come over if he wanted last night if he left the bon fire. He apparently left the bon fire but he didn’t want to come over I guess… I told him we needed to talk as well, about different things though I suppose. I’m sure he’ll be expelling questionable rumors and I’m just going to ask straight up, “Do you still want to be with me?”
Today is going to be hard…
With tears augmenting the fresh morning's dew,”
Romeo and Juliet.
It seems to me that there is something strange going on. What this is I don’t quite know, just that its bothering me. Its 8:17 am and I already feel like crying.
Maybe I was expecting too much. I fell too hard and too fast. Like Romeo to his Rosaline. He’s “in love” with Rosaline at the beginning of the play. Without knowing the story you’d never suspect it to stray from the two.
We’re like them, Romeo and Rosaline. Who is who I’m not even sure. I, like Romeo, have my attention fixed on someone who seemingly does not care. He, like Romeo, was “in love” and crazy about me and has changed his mind to call it nothing.
I’m done I guess, I quit the play. Romeo and Juliet was all too tragic for me anyways. We were supposed to talk yesterday but we never did on account of both of us. He was supposed to come over if he wanted last night if he left the bon fire. He apparently left the bon fire but he didn’t want to come over I guess… I told him we needed to talk as well, about different things though I suppose. I’m sure he’ll be expelling questionable rumors and I’m just going to ask straight up, “Do you still want to be with me?”
Today is going to be hard…
Friday, November 10, 2006
Never ending orb
Depression sets in again. I knew it was coming I suppose, it always does. I just want a little break… Maybe a year off or perhaps not even that, just a small amount of time where I don’t feel the urge to cry.
He told my friend that he didn’t cheat on me, that they’re just rumors. She believes him. I believe my heart. It says, “Either way you’re still to crazy about him to let him go. So why does it even matter if he did?” I’m frightened. My heart is a tricky player with an odd assortment of cards under the table. Even if he didn’t or even if he did, things aren’t the way they were. The first two weeks were amazing, the third we didn’t talk, and now we approach 1 month and he’s with other people all the time. I saw him in Walmart and at Safeway yesterday. The extent of an “us” that showed through was only when he picked me up from behind to scare me. No other hugs, no kiss goodnight, no “I’ll call you tomorrow!” or anything. Its like I’m a friend. “A nod and a casual wave.” That song by She Wants Revenge is so perfect…
“It's cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak
escape was just a nod and a casual wave
Obsess about it, heavy for the next two days
It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow”
Yes. Its just like that… I keep hoping things will go back to how they were. I was happy, I never cried, I was different. Change isn’t always a bad thing, is it? That change was good, this change is bad. I just want him to feel the same way… For once, would someone do that for me?
In addition my mother is driving me crazy. She wants me to do everything possible around the house. And she expects me to get good grades all year. And she is being a total bitch about cheerleading. Its like that situation where the mother lives through her daughter… My mother is making my life revolve around cheerleading before it even starts. She was constantly yelling at me last week to practice for tryouts and such. She actually stayed and watched the first part of the tryout sessions. I wanted to smack her. It’s a tryout, not a show, she should not be there. She was still telling me to practice all week. She had the nerve to tell me that I was a shoo-in. Hah, she told me that about Basketball season last year. I almost didn’t get in. She also told me that about the caption position. Didn’t get that at all. She always says shit like that and its hardly ever true…
Today she forced me to go to lunch with her, her friend, and her daughter. Don’t get me wrong, she’s nice and fun to cheer with but I’m sick of my mom trying to push her into the position of best friend and role model. I don’t want to be like her and I really don’t like hanging out with her. My mom didn’t even ask if I wanted to go either. I had made plans to go paintballing with my brother and my friend. It was even snowing so it would have made it even more fun. But no, I couldn’t go. We were actually supposed to go yesterday but she wouldn’t let us either.
That’s another thing. I feel like the detachable extra wheel. I haven’t spent any time with one of my closest friends in a week or two apart from the bare moments she was helping me when I heard he cheated on me. Nothing else… I was really looking forward to hanging out with her today. Now she’s out with my brother and our exchange having dinner with her dad. I’d probably be welcome to come had I gone paintballing… But no. Instead I’m eating alone tonight (if at all) and avoiding (conflict with) my mother.
I’m skipping dinner tonight. I figure I already got a meal out of a few cookies and some popcorn at Boo’s house. Her mum also made hot chocolate… I’m such a fat ass at times. I saw my vitals from the 3rd of January this year. I weighed only 127 pounds fully clothed. When I stepped on the scale at the doctors for my physical, I was 140 again. Granted, I was wearing shoes and heavy jeans and a sweat shirt but I was still grossly over weight. I weighed before the shower that night and was a pressed 135. Better but not enough. I’m going to be flying this year. Flyers are not 135 pounds. Maximum of 122.5. No joke. I’m down to 130 again and holding, pretty good for a few days. Yes, I have been eating lately… Be happy. I’m not. I’m trying though… I promise…
-Sad Sid.
He told my friend that he didn’t cheat on me, that they’re just rumors. She believes him. I believe my heart. It says, “Either way you’re still to crazy about him to let him go. So why does it even matter if he did?” I’m frightened. My heart is a tricky player with an odd assortment of cards under the table. Even if he didn’t or even if he did, things aren’t the way they were. The first two weeks were amazing, the third we didn’t talk, and now we approach 1 month and he’s with other people all the time. I saw him in Walmart and at Safeway yesterday. The extent of an “us” that showed through was only when he picked me up from behind to scare me. No other hugs, no kiss goodnight, no “I’ll call you tomorrow!” or anything. Its like I’m a friend. “A nod and a casual wave.” That song by She Wants Revenge is so perfect…
“It's cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak
escape was just a nod and a casual wave
Obsess about it, heavy for the next two days
It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow”
Yes. Its just like that… I keep hoping things will go back to how they were. I was happy, I never cried, I was different. Change isn’t always a bad thing, is it? That change was good, this change is bad. I just want him to feel the same way… For once, would someone do that for me?
In addition my mother is driving me crazy. She wants me to do everything possible around the house. And she expects me to get good grades all year. And she is being a total bitch about cheerleading. Its like that situation where the mother lives through her daughter… My mother is making my life revolve around cheerleading before it even starts. She was constantly yelling at me last week to practice for tryouts and such. She actually stayed and watched the first part of the tryout sessions. I wanted to smack her. It’s a tryout, not a show, she should not be there. She was still telling me to practice all week. She had the nerve to tell me that I was a shoo-in. Hah, she told me that about Basketball season last year. I almost didn’t get in. She also told me that about the caption position. Didn’t get that at all. She always says shit like that and its hardly ever true…
Today she forced me to go to lunch with her, her friend, and her daughter. Don’t get me wrong, she’s nice and fun to cheer with but I’m sick of my mom trying to push her into the position of best friend and role model. I don’t want to be like her and I really don’t like hanging out with her. My mom didn’t even ask if I wanted to go either. I had made plans to go paintballing with my brother and my friend. It was even snowing so it would have made it even more fun. But no, I couldn’t go. We were actually supposed to go yesterday but she wouldn’t let us either.
That’s another thing. I feel like the detachable extra wheel. I haven’t spent any time with one of my closest friends in a week or two apart from the bare moments she was helping me when I heard he cheated on me. Nothing else… I was really looking forward to hanging out with her today. Now she’s out with my brother and our exchange having dinner with her dad. I’d probably be welcome to come had I gone paintballing… But no. Instead I’m eating alone tonight (if at all) and avoiding (conflict with) my mother.
I’m skipping dinner tonight. I figure I already got a meal out of a few cookies and some popcorn at Boo’s house. Her mum also made hot chocolate… I’m such a fat ass at times. I saw my vitals from the 3rd of January this year. I weighed only 127 pounds fully clothed. When I stepped on the scale at the doctors for my physical, I was 140 again. Granted, I was wearing shoes and heavy jeans and a sweat shirt but I was still grossly over weight. I weighed before the shower that night and was a pressed 135. Better but not enough. I’m going to be flying this year. Flyers are not 135 pounds. Maximum of 122.5. No joke. I’m down to 130 again and holding, pretty good for a few days. Yes, I have been eating lately… Be happy. I’m not. I’m trying though… I promise…
-Sad Sid.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
So much for the Afterglow
It's true. He did cheat on me. I dont quite know how to handle this situation. It's never been a problem before. I should have known; dating an older guy and being a virgin dont go hand in hand so well. I dont know if i want to tell him i know. I dont know if i want to see if he lies. I dont know if i should break up with him or what... Its to the point where i'd rather have him in my life cheating on me then not have him in my life at all... Like Amy and Paul. He cheated, she cried, they're still together just like nothing happened.
I was so naieve. He said he was considering getting transfered to California. I believed him. When they said it probably would not be an option, that he was east coast bound, i even started looking at colleges over there. Goodbye Pennstate, Goodbye William and Mary, Goodbye Flordia state, Goodbye everything.
I think Numb is the word...
♥Sid
I was so naieve. He said he was considering getting transfered to California. I believed him. When they said it probably would not be an option, that he was east coast bound, i even started looking at colleges over there. Goodbye Pennstate, Goodbye William and Mary, Goodbye Flordia state, Goodbye everything.
I think Numb is the word...
♥Sid
Monday, November 06, 2006
Fight or Flight
My friend is in the hospital. He tried to commit suicide. I dont really know how to responde apart from fear and panic and worry. There seems to be a lot of that going around for me... I dont know what i'd do if i lost him... I couldnt handle Bobby, what if it were someone i'm close to? He's in an institution right now... I wish i could just call him. Make sure he's okay... Talk to him. So he knows that I care... I miss him.
Cheerleading tryouts: Day 1. I think i did shit. My toe-touch sucks and seemingly everytime it mattered I messed up. I'm going to go work on it now...
I kind of want to die. I'm (according to the doctors, though fully clothed) 140 pounds. 138 minus shoes. 136ish minus clothes. Still way fat. Last January i was 127. I want to cry. I will get skinny. Even if it kills me...
Cheerleading tryouts: Day 1. I think i did shit. My toe-touch sucks and seemingly everytime it mattered I messed up. I'm going to go work on it now...
I kind of want to die. I'm (according to the doctors, though fully clothed) 140 pounds. 138 minus shoes. 136ish minus clothes. Still way fat. Last January i was 127. I want to cry. I will get skinny. Even if it kills me...
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Autobiography
I don't think that anyone will read this. I honestly don't think anyone will care either. I guess this is just for me; a tool so that I don't go insane. But in the odd event someone cares to read this, I guess you should know a little bit about me.
I don't really want anyone who knows me to stumble across this and figure out all the personal stuff I hide so I wont give out my real name but you can call me Sid. I'm a sixteen year old girl who has lead a pretty lame life. One thing I will admit to right away is that I'm very sick. I've always been sick whether its mentally or physically.
(If you want to skip all of this, the last part is a summary of events).
My medical history is extensive. So far I've gotten most of the major problems fixed but sometimes they cause more problems. I was born with a complex artioventricular septal defect, more commonly known as a "hole in the heart." Its a fairly rare heart defect and had I not gotten it fixed when I was three I would have died by the time I was 5. The Doctor's did a good job repairing my heart but when I was a year and a half old, they gave me a heart catheter which caused a stroke. Now days I have the dexterity of a 7 year old on one side of my body. After my surgeries I moved down south.
I lived there happily for a few years, until I was 7. I went to a rather poor school and was always getting sick so I had to be sent home. The office staff knew me by name in that way. I refer to that time as my "Bully period" because I was a nasty little girl who would chase around the boys and punch them if they made fun of me... I hung out with boys in school and girls at home. Life was good for me. My father hardly ever left on business, no family had died yet, and I didn't have a care in the world.
July 4th, 1998. My world took a turn for the worst. We were going to move the next day. My entire perception of life came crashing down like a ton of bricks. I consider that day to be the day I lost my innocence. The day the depression set in. The reason for my lack of well being today...
Life moved on rapidly from there. Depression crept in like a dark cloud. It started off mildly, a few nights spent on the floor crying when I was in 3rd grade and advanced to the first time I seriously contemplated suicide in 6th. The first contemplation was from a number of things I suppose. I just found out that we were moving again, My mother was feeding all of her attention to my brother (who I call goldenboy because he's so good at everything he does. He gets good grades, can play any instrument, is a natural athlete, is healthy, and is just all around favorable to my parents), and I was fighting with my best friend. Things got worse really fast from there.
I moved again, now being 11 going on 12. The first few months I had no friends and I was getting the worst grades I ever got. I never got C's on report cards and had never even seen a D in my life. I eventually formed a very small group of friends whom I got very close to. I was closest to the friend who was also dealing with Depression. Why I'm not sure, but it helped in a way I suppose. By the middle of the year I heard that I would be moving to Alaska. I cried a lot more after that. I recall writing in my Journal how much I wanted to die as I was finally settling into life there. The first of several attempts. I swallowed almost a full bottle of Celexa, the depression medication I was on, and a few advil. Nothing happened unfortunately or atleast nothing that we could see. (I'll explain later). But around that time I spent a lot of time in my closet crying and I started cutting and burning myself. Nothing to extreme. The scratches were numerous but made with a travel sized dental pick so they hardly scared... The burns were not extensive either, just a few little circles from matches and hot lighter heads.
Alaska was a harsh change. I had been fairly sheltered from drugs and sex by choice. I didn't hang out with those type of people because I knew I wouldn't get into anything that way. But upon moving here, the world of sex, drugs, and alcohol was inevitable. (Alcohol was not a concern. I had started stealing my parents beer in 7th grade). Most of my friends were pot heads, almost everyone I knew was an Alcoholic, and Only about 10 or 15% of our school still had their virginity. I did start Cheerleading though, a sport I never saw myself in but a good change for me. Unfortunately, it wasn't good enough. I attempted again, swallowing a variety of pills, whatever I could get my hands on. I just got sick and had to miss school for a week. At the end of 8th grade I started smoking and sneaking out and drinking more. I remember the first time I had hard alcohol was at this 24 year old guy Dave's apartment. . My friend, who was once sweet and innocent was making out with him in exchange for belvedere vodka, Parrot bay pineapple, and cigarettes. This is where I get my love of Vodka I suppose. I thrashed my system that night too by taking some of his little pink antidepressants and eating asprin like it was candy. At the end of the summer I visited my "sister" and best friend back home. We went through some trials and what not but I remember falling for her older half brother. Way older. I was 13 and he was 17 almost 18. Apparently he had liked me as well. I think this marked the official start of the guys 3 1/2 years older then me liking me (It happened once before with a guy who is still trying to get with me to this day).
High school was no better then 8th grade. My friends who were clean in middle school were now smoking regularly and a few others were on their way to motherhood. Rapidly moving on, not even cheerleading was keeping me straight. I was sneaking out to smoke with friends almost every night and occasionally drink a little with the guy I liked. It was a way of life then. Practicing every day wasn't helping, especially since I had very little experience and wasn't very good. Friendships rose and fell. I found myself in a pseudo relationship with a senior. A sweet guy at the time, we went out once and hung out several other times. Needless to say it fell apart fast, as did all other relationships that start of the year. With cheerleading, grades, men, friends, and families my depression worsened. Cuts got deeper (now with aid of a razor), burns got hotter, Icing got much worse, and the amout of pills got larger. I believe I tried to commit suicide atleast 3 times that year. In November I awoke one morning and started throwing up black blood. My stomach had gotten so bad from all the pills that I was taking that accidently doubling up on my anti inflammatory medicine once gave me a stomach ulcer. That caused me to be sick the week of basketball cheerleading tryouts. I ended up on a pseudo JV team. I wanted to die. I ended up going out with the first kid I considered myself to be "in love with." I loved him, but I don't think I was ever really truly in love with him. You know the sort. The relationship caused me problems. I was so scared about him finding out I was a depressed self injurer that it actually caused me to cut and burn and scratch and pop pills more. It was no good. I broke up with him at the end of that summer.
Moving faster, the next year (10th) was no good. I was heart broken when Brandon could move on so fast and say he loved my best friend a week after we broke up. I attempted again, cutting so deeply on my arm that I was numb and swallowing pills. My parents found out and fed me a gross syrup to make me throw up. It was the last time I'd attempted. I bounced from my friendly councilor to a new one. The new one was okay, she told me a lot about my personality and the reason why I am the way I am. Made sense. I tried to stop self injuring but it was usually a futile attempt. Towards the end of the year I realized I was getting very fat. I started off the year before at 119 or 120. I had become 140. Almost 20 pounds. I lived 3 or 4 months off of almost nothing but rice cakes, low fat-low calorie oatmeal, and water. I walked between 4 and 8 miles every day and did stationary work at night. My parents were never really around so they had no clue how bad I had gotten. Probably because my weight only dropped to 124 pounds, a loss of 16. I was forced to eat when I visited my other friend back home and even though we swam a lot and drank laxative tea, I gained a few back.
Now, I maintain between 127 and 133. I cry everytime I get past 133. I didn't realize it then, probably because I was preoccupied with my head in the toilet, but I was an anorectic with bulling tendencies. I'm better now, but I still step on the scale every morning and every time I go to the bathroom. I still cut but I try not to. I have a boyfriend now, another who is 19. (Collectively he is the 6th guy who is 3 or so years older then me). My friendships with people back home are fading, and a lot of people here hate me. My depression is lingering but I'm trying to figure out how to deal on my own.
In summary: I was born with a heart defect. The medical procedure done when I was 1 1/2 gave me a stroke which still effects me today. I started with Depression when I was 7, got diagnosed at 12 (the same year I started drinking) and was in therapy from 13 on. I self injure and I'm a recovering from a slight eating disorder. I haven't had a hard life, just a one that I don't know how to handle...
I don't really want anyone who knows me to stumble across this and figure out all the personal stuff I hide so I wont give out my real name but you can call me Sid. I'm a sixteen year old girl who has lead a pretty lame life. One thing I will admit to right away is that I'm very sick. I've always been sick whether its mentally or physically.
(If you want to skip all of this, the last part is a summary of events).
My medical history is extensive. So far I've gotten most of the major problems fixed but sometimes they cause more problems. I was born with a complex artioventricular septal defect, more commonly known as a "hole in the heart." Its a fairly rare heart defect and had I not gotten it fixed when I was three I would have died by the time I was 5. The Doctor's did a good job repairing my heart but when I was a year and a half old, they gave me a heart catheter which caused a stroke. Now days I have the dexterity of a 7 year old on one side of my body. After my surgeries I moved down south.
I lived there happily for a few years, until I was 7. I went to a rather poor school and was always getting sick so I had to be sent home. The office staff knew me by name in that way. I refer to that time as my "Bully period" because I was a nasty little girl who would chase around the boys and punch them if they made fun of me... I hung out with boys in school and girls at home. Life was good for me. My father hardly ever left on business, no family had died yet, and I didn't have a care in the world.
July 4th, 1998. My world took a turn for the worst. We were going to move the next day. My entire perception of life came crashing down like a ton of bricks. I consider that day to be the day I lost my innocence. The day the depression set in. The reason for my lack of well being today...
Life moved on rapidly from there. Depression crept in like a dark cloud. It started off mildly, a few nights spent on the floor crying when I was in 3rd grade and advanced to the first time I seriously contemplated suicide in 6th. The first contemplation was from a number of things I suppose. I just found out that we were moving again, My mother was feeding all of her attention to my brother (who I call goldenboy because he's so good at everything he does. He gets good grades, can play any instrument, is a natural athlete, is healthy, and is just all around favorable to my parents), and I was fighting with my best friend. Things got worse really fast from there.
I moved again, now being 11 going on 12. The first few months I had no friends and I was getting the worst grades I ever got. I never got C's on report cards and had never even seen a D in my life. I eventually formed a very small group of friends whom I got very close to. I was closest to the friend who was also dealing with Depression. Why I'm not sure, but it helped in a way I suppose. By the middle of the year I heard that I would be moving to Alaska. I cried a lot more after that. I recall writing in my Journal how much I wanted to die as I was finally settling into life there. The first of several attempts. I swallowed almost a full bottle of Celexa, the depression medication I was on, and a few advil. Nothing happened unfortunately or atleast nothing that we could see. (I'll explain later). But around that time I spent a lot of time in my closet crying and I started cutting and burning myself. Nothing to extreme. The scratches were numerous but made with a travel sized dental pick so they hardly scared... The burns were not extensive either, just a few little circles from matches and hot lighter heads.
Alaska was a harsh change. I had been fairly sheltered from drugs and sex by choice. I didn't hang out with those type of people because I knew I wouldn't get into anything that way. But upon moving here, the world of sex, drugs, and alcohol was inevitable. (Alcohol was not a concern. I had started stealing my parents beer in 7th grade). Most of my friends were pot heads, almost everyone I knew was an Alcoholic, and Only about 10 or 15% of our school still had their virginity. I did start Cheerleading though, a sport I never saw myself in but a good change for me. Unfortunately, it wasn't good enough. I attempted again, swallowing a variety of pills, whatever I could get my hands on. I just got sick and had to miss school for a week. At the end of 8th grade I started smoking and sneaking out and drinking more. I remember the first time I had hard alcohol was at this 24 year old guy Dave's apartment. . My friend, who was once sweet and innocent was making out with him in exchange for belvedere vodka, Parrot bay pineapple, and cigarettes. This is where I get my love of Vodka I suppose. I thrashed my system that night too by taking some of his little pink antidepressants and eating asprin like it was candy. At the end of the summer I visited my "sister" and best friend back home. We went through some trials and what not but I remember falling for her older half brother. Way older. I was 13 and he was 17 almost 18. Apparently he had liked me as well. I think this marked the official start of the guys 3 1/2 years older then me liking me (It happened once before with a guy who is still trying to get with me to this day).
High school was no better then 8th grade. My friends who were clean in middle school were now smoking regularly and a few others were on their way to motherhood. Rapidly moving on, not even cheerleading was keeping me straight. I was sneaking out to smoke with friends almost every night and occasionally drink a little with the guy I liked. It was a way of life then. Practicing every day wasn't helping, especially since I had very little experience and wasn't very good. Friendships rose and fell. I found myself in a pseudo relationship with a senior. A sweet guy at the time, we went out once and hung out several other times. Needless to say it fell apart fast, as did all other relationships that start of the year. With cheerleading, grades, men, friends, and families my depression worsened. Cuts got deeper (now with aid of a razor), burns got hotter, Icing got much worse, and the amout of pills got larger. I believe I tried to commit suicide atleast 3 times that year. In November I awoke one morning and started throwing up black blood. My stomach had gotten so bad from all the pills that I was taking that accidently doubling up on my anti inflammatory medicine once gave me a stomach ulcer. That caused me to be sick the week of basketball cheerleading tryouts. I ended up on a pseudo JV team. I wanted to die. I ended up going out with the first kid I considered myself to be "in love with." I loved him, but I don't think I was ever really truly in love with him. You know the sort. The relationship caused me problems. I was so scared about him finding out I was a depressed self injurer that it actually caused me to cut and burn and scratch and pop pills more. It was no good. I broke up with him at the end of that summer.
Moving faster, the next year (10th) was no good. I was heart broken when Brandon could move on so fast and say he loved my best friend a week after we broke up. I attempted again, cutting so deeply on my arm that I was numb and swallowing pills. My parents found out and fed me a gross syrup to make me throw up. It was the last time I'd attempted. I bounced from my friendly councilor to a new one. The new one was okay, she told me a lot about my personality and the reason why I am the way I am. Made sense. I tried to stop self injuring but it was usually a futile attempt. Towards the end of the year I realized I was getting very fat. I started off the year before at 119 or 120. I had become 140. Almost 20 pounds. I lived 3 or 4 months off of almost nothing but rice cakes, low fat-low calorie oatmeal, and water. I walked between 4 and 8 miles every day and did stationary work at night. My parents were never really around so they had no clue how bad I had gotten. Probably because my weight only dropped to 124 pounds, a loss of 16. I was forced to eat when I visited my other friend back home and even though we swam a lot and drank laxative tea, I gained a few back.
Now, I maintain between 127 and 133. I cry everytime I get past 133. I didn't realize it then, probably because I was preoccupied with my head in the toilet, but I was an anorectic with bulling tendencies. I'm better now, but I still step on the scale every morning and every time I go to the bathroom. I still cut but I try not to. I have a boyfriend now, another who is 19. (Collectively he is the 6th guy who is 3 or so years older then me). My friendships with people back home are fading, and a lot of people here hate me. My depression is lingering but I'm trying to figure out how to deal on my own.
In summary: I was born with a heart defect. The medical procedure done when I was 1 1/2 gave me a stroke which still effects me today. I started with Depression when I was 7, got diagnosed at 12 (the same year I started drinking) and was in therapy from 13 on. I self injure and I'm a recovering from a slight eating disorder. I haven't had a hard life, just a one that I don't know how to handle...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)