I'm trying to forget every nice thing you ever said

Why even bother putting it in my own words?

That girl i "know" in Asia?

She knows what i mean.

"

Never let yourself fall too far in love.

Damn, I really should’ve listened to you this time.

I always make the same mistakes, though,

This time wouldn’t have been any different.

Wonder what I was expecting?

“Since when do dragons slay the knights?

Doesn’t that take away the meaning of make-believe?”

I guess that’s all it was- Fairy tales.

Sometimes you get lucky in life.

Not this time.

Who was I kidding?
I fell in too deep

and everybody

knew

expect

me.

"

Jackomo fe no nan e'

My friend lost everything in Katrina.
I was reminded of that today.
She has nothing left of it
No pictures, No letters, No objects
She has nothing left
But the memories
And it makes me wonder
I have pictures
and I have letters
and I have things I bought from the stores
And yet they mean so little
compaired to the memories.

And its like that everywhere for me.
If he sends a picture.
If she sends a letter.
If they send a present.
They dont hold a candle to the Memories.
A picture of a friend and i covered in beads
means nothing next to the thought of
dancing bare foot in the streets of Mardi Gras to Iko Iko.

I think thats why i'm still her best friend
I think thats why i'm still crazy about him
I think thats why i still want to run away with her
I think its all because its how i remember them.
I'm so scared that will all change
And i wont remember a thing
And all i'll have left is those semi-meaningless things
That dont represent a fraction of the real thing.

Part two: Phone calls from the abyss

So, this is whats left of me:

I don't understand why you have to always be gone,

I get along but the trips always feel so long,

And I find myself trying to stay by the phone,'

Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,

But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,

But when I pick up I don't have much to say...

So thats what i'm feeling.

Its Fort Minor again, I think the song fits.

Today was like everyday; confusing and dramatic.

I have a date for prom now, i'm going with Chris.

Just as friends, I swear.

I found out i passed AP with a C+

I'm happy about that. I needed that. I feel reassured.

After school i went to Matts.

Bright Eyes and i get along just fine,

So long as nothing comes after.

He'd rather kiss a guy then me in spin the bottle.

I get it might be awkward,

But dear god thats a shot to the heart.

When i get home, if not frustrated enough,

Mom has a tension headache and starts bitching

And i cant get my prom dress.

And i'm annoyed

And i'm pissed off

And i feel like total shit.

Theycame over from Matts

And i was still feeling terrible.

But then he called.

you know who he is...

I dont know why, But i felt estatic.

Maybe its because i thought he might have moved on yesterday

He didnt call, didnt seem too estatic to talk,

I thought we might have floated back to "Aquaintances" and i was hating it.

But then he called today,

And his voice was soothing as ever...

Its ironic that he was playing the "overprotective" card again.

We were talking about what sort of whoreish dress i could get

And he said i better not be a whore now

And after i asked how he'd ever know, He replied,

"You'll know when they start disappearing."

And i got a call from my friend about a prom date

Whom i unfortunatly had to turn down (he's a great dancer)

But she said she was there with Ray,

A guy i partied with last summer.

By party i mean i got shit faced drunk with,

You know; the one with the girlfriend?

Well, after that, he tells me via his friends Myspace that he had fun

And should i want to hang, give him a call.

Dear god, you know i'm bored and lonely,

I hope i dont screw up.

He's so damn cute for an asshole.

Please come back home.

Where'd you go?
I miss you so.

Seems like it's been forever

Since you've been gone...

Please come back home.

I'm not sure what is going on in my head.

I dont know what i'm thinking,

What i'm feeling, Where i'm going.

I mean, i have ideas

But none of which will do.

What should i make of it?

Its just like old times.

Before we went out.

He was away in a foreign place

And we spend hours talking about everything.

i'm one of the only people he calls.

He mentioned having to call all these other people

And yet he didnt say he wanted off the phone

And he said he'd call me again tomorrow.

"This better be an incrediby beautiful girl or i'm hanging up."

i miss the way he'd smile and say, "Goodmorning Beautiful."

i think thats what i miss about him;

He's so much better then everyone else.

He makes me feel beautiful,

He makes me laugh,

He makes me happy and i hate it.

What good is going to come of this?

"It's such a comfy bed, and it fits two."

...

"Hint hint."

So it's not just me.

He told me his story about how PDA rules dont apply

when they are on off time.

What he was alluding to, was the hotel i'd be staying at if i visited.

He didnt mean it in anything too explicit

And even if he did, lets face it:

The only reason i didnt sleep with him

Is because i would have felt like a whore.

Two weeks? Come on...

I've been browsing all day long.

How much it might cost,

What way i can get down there,

What lie i can tell my family...

AMTrak, Airplane, Car

Somewhere between 300 to 600 dollars

"I'm going to see [my brother's] girlfriend."

"Heather's grandmother invited me to go to Tahoe for the weekend."

Myabe i'll say i'm going to seem my cousins and staying with them.

My mom will never know, and they'd be really cool about it.

I realize i'm looking too much into this,

i'm thinking about all these things,

making all these plans,

and i know by the time it comes around,

We'll either have faded back to aquaintances,

Or it will just become impossible.

Far away for far too long...

He called me again.

I wasnt quite sure what to make of it last night.

"I thought, 'hey, i havent called her in a few days...'"

My heart did backflips.

I mean, he wanted to talk to me.

His mother called in between and then he called back.

It wasnt long; only an hour or so total.

our house was invaded by guests.

I swear, people have to start saying i'm not home.

(& then not letting them in.)

It was almost like the old times,

When we'd stay up all night and pass out on the phone,

About anything and everything.

He was pretty happy that he was going tobe back up here for about a month,

Though he had forgotten i'm moving before he'll get here.

He'll be back in Texas by the time i'm in California though.

I told him (Half joking so he wouldnt get scared) i'd try and come visit,

I'm not sure if he was joking, but i swear i heard him say,

"...or i could just fly you down."

I want to see him so bad.

Stop breathin' if i dont see you anymore.

I am colorblind...

Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside

I had the shock of my life:
The Air Force Ranger called.
I miss him so much.
Despite what i had thought before all of this,
I think he might actually miss me too.

I want to go see him.
He joked, "You should go to mississippi."
I wonder if i could.
Save up a few 100
and just fly down for a little bit.
As soon as he gets to Texas again,
I'm driving down there...

I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight

I stopped the thing with Bright Eyes,
Whatever small thing it might have been.
I told him to stay away for a few days
I think i'm over him...
Or at least i ought to be.
But i miss him already,
He was such a charming thing
When he was done up properly.

I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in

I can protect myself just fine.
No one really has to know,
I wont say a word.
I think i'm better off
When everything is hidden away...

Why do you see right through me?

I'm so exausted right now.
Bright eyes is driving me insane.
He does these things,
Crazy things, mad things, insane things.
And i'm still head over heals despite him.

The other night at Rico's he was acting different;
He was not his usual ass hole self.
He was pulling me onto his lap and giggling
And i gave him a back massage for a long while.

Today at Matts house,
He layed on my lap as we watched the movie,
And he had requested that i scratch his back.
And when we all went to my house,
He wanted me to give him another massage.

The entire time we watched Day after tomorrow
I sat on his half bare back and gave him chills.
That is until the end when everyone was leaving,
Though my brothers walked in,
We got up on the couch and got tucked under a blanket.

He told my friend that he loves me like a little sister
And i'm debating telling him i dont want to be near him
Because it hurts so god damn bad
To know i can never be with him...

The mask i polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit...

When everything is lonely

I can be my own best friend

I'll get a coffee and the paper,

have my own conversations

with the sidewalk and the pigeons

and my window reflection

The mask I polish in the evening

by the morning looks like shit

-Bright Eyes : Lua

You know,
I'm falling apart in the most unusual way

I dont even see it, but everyone else does.

I'm "detached" as Beautiful and Matt put it.

What does that mean? "Detached?"

I guess i'm fading away...

But i'm struggling.

I'm trying so very hard, but i'm struggling.

I want to be happy.

I tried so hard to be happy today.

I smiled, I chatted, I ran about,

I even made nice conversation with Randy.

And yet, somehow, it didnt happen.

I fought with my mother again,

I got chewed out by the squad at practice,

I've got stress to high hell that i'm a terrible caption.

And i just kinda feel like i am falling off the earth...

Running Scared...

I've come to realize today

that college is right around the corner

And i will admit it

i'm fucking scared.

I dont know if i will be able to handle it

I dont really have what it takes

I mean, i just spent an entire day

Bullshitting up a 4 page paper

Thats how unfocused i am

My grades are shit

I dont turn shit in

I sleep during classes

(this is why, its almost 2 am)

and i really dont think i can handle it

So, As if it wasnt enough i couldnt cut it achademically

I couldnt make it emotionally

Not if i wasnt there with one of my closer friends

(its slim, she is going to end up at a good college,

She has the potential for great things)

But like, could i handle it?

Do you really think i could?

When have i ever handled change well?

I dont think there has ever been a time

And i'm a total wreck about life in general.

Meh. In other news...

It didnt go so well.

I went what, a week?

Without likeing bright eyes?

His relationship thing fell through.

[i dont know why you try,

not like he'll come back to you]

I just wish he didnt get his heart stomped on so much

Him and Chris

Because i love them both

As brothers

As Friends.

This internalization shit?

It sucks.

I know everything you want isnt anything you have...

Well, i hate myself. I thought i was going to get over bright eyes? I guess not...

He's been distant lately. Harsh as well. Its almost disgusting the way i rationalize every false move he makes. Everyone around me sees it too, "Why do you like him when he treats everyone (including yourself) like shit?" I cant answer that...

I tried not being friends. Pulling the "shit, i have to go" anytime he's around but it just made me miss him that much more.

"Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry
call I'm desperate for your voice
I'm listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight..."

I hate that he's everyone all wrapped into one...

Sticks and stones
may break your bones
But words can make her starve herself.

My mother called me a whale.
I think that says enough for how i feel right now...

I refuse to eat dinner.
Not until she gets it.
Not until he gets it.
Not until they get it.
I will not eat.
Just so they know.


Its not even about me anymore.

I dont want to miss a thing...

I would like to tell you, I would like to say
That I knew that this would happen
That things would go this way
But I cannot deceive you, this was never planned
I know that you're the right girl but do you think that I am the right man?
She wants revenge - I dont want to fall in love

I'm not with Matt anymore.
I'm happy about it i guess.
I dont want to make him suffer,
and i want something else.

Right now i'm freaking out.
Jo told me Bright eyes used to like me.
When he and Beautiful first started dating.
Rico says everyone knew.
I didnt; why didnt they tell me?

I dont know what to do anymore.
He's another of my ex boyfriends.
Both the one i love, and the airforce ranger.
I'm going insane, or i'm already there.
Which is worse: being insane, or knowing your insane?

I'm so fucked up inside my head
How could i not see that?
I get him so much; i read him so well...
I always knew what he was feeling?
How did i miss the most important thing?

Much ado about nothing...

I'm sorry i complain.

Its just the way i get i guess.

I really dont have anything to complain about.

I mean...

I have a family thats still together

And no one beats me or drinks too much

And i do okay in school

And i'm caption of a varsity sport

I have friends who are hyper-active

And a boyfriend whos crazy about me

Several "sibling extentions" i love

And a good future planned out.

But i dont like it.

Its never enough.

I complain about everything,

And i'm sorry for that.

I guess its how i'm wired

This is proof that i am crazy

I'm sorry i didnt tell you

I swear i would have told you had i known...

I feel disgusting right now...

I picture you in the sun...

"I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong.

And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy.

And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen.

And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in. "

Am i not ment to be happy?

Its okay if i'm not, i wont be angry, i promise.

I just want to know so i can stop trying so hard?

Last night's dance was fun. But terrible at the same time.

Beautiful felt like shit. Bright eyes felt like shit. Kittie felt like shit.

I was happy for a molment i suppose. It felt good to be there with Matt,

But at the same time i wanted to be anywhere else in the world.

How terrible am i?

I like Matt. I like him a lot.

He's nice and he gets me and he's so much like me.

But i want more?

I want bright eyes.

What is the cause of my fixation?

Why am i so into him?

He's not even that great of a guy.

He's moody, and blunt, and a tad bit apathetic.

But i cant stop thinking about him...

He kissed me last night.

I wouldnt call it a kiss though.

He pretended to kiss the three others there too.

KK was one of em. I think Kittie was another...

He did it right infront of Matt.

A breif second, as if it wasnt even supposed to hit my lips.

A pretend one, like the others.

But it wasnt. He had hold of my face and pulled me in.

How terrible am i?

And to top that off, i've been thinking about my ex.

He moved to Texas for airforce training.

We had started talking a little before he left.

We were making plans to hang out,

It just didnt quite work out as i had hoped.

Phone calls and miscommunications.

I havent seen him in a long time.

I dont think that i will see him for a long time comming.

Its killing me...

Meg wants me to go see him with her this summer.

She and her boyfriend are going down for the 4th.

They're starting in Washington, she figures just get me from California on the way.

She thinks he might like to see me.

I wish he did.

I hope he might call or something sometime.

I miss him so much...

How terrible am i?

Mentiroso

He found out. My brother found out. About the line. About the crying. About it. I quote:

You cant do that.
Its not fair.
Its not fair to mom or dad.
Its not fair to me.

I dont understand how he could say such a thing after all the other things he has said.
Its so hypocritical for him to say i cant do that after telling me to cut myself as a joke.
He said he cares and i really want to beat him because of what she is...
Un Mentiroso, A liar.

More feelings once i sort out the rest of the confusion.

Everything just falls to peices...

Its all falling apart.

Very fast.

Very quick.

Its very sickening.

Bright eyes is in hell.

So is beautiful.

And so is Matt.

And so am I.

Last night was bad. Very bad. I crashed. I cried. I did a line. I wanted to die. And then i tryied to be okay with it all. It didnt work out so well.

We're still doing damage control. I'm talking to bright eyes right now, i'm so worried about him. I dont think he knows i care as much as i do. I dont think anyone knows i care as much as i do. Everyone says that its impossible for anyone to truely care about anyone but themselves but i dont think they get it...

I dont think they get me...

I'm free...

So, Things have happened?

As of yesterday i have a boyfriend. A cute boy, the new one, i think i've mentioned him? Well, you know how paranoid i am with real names, i've already had a girl ask if i was "sid" in school last week. So, My boyfriend, Matt, is a real sweetheart. A quiet kid, but once you get to know him he loves to talk. It happened kinda fast...

He had a party this past weekend at his house. Hot tub, truth or dare, spin the bottle... By the end of it all i'd pretty much made out with him 5 times, as well as a few girls (dares are a bitch) and to top it all off KK and i did a line in the bathroom so i was kinda out of it all.

Next day we all went driving around. We smoked a bowl and then busted in on a fewcrack heads accidently, trailed a taxi, and then ended up back at my house. I went and spent the night at my beautiful friend's house and tried helping her and bright eyes quit arguing. (They go at it like they're married). Apparantly Bright eyes talked to Matt that night and he admiteed to liking me (But apparantly he's a little odd about the whole "virgin" thing... go fucking figure).

Superbowl party the next day? I was gone again, i think i've found a new love. Matt and I sat together the whole party (He was rather shocked that i was actually that into football...) and i kept getting evil glairs from the two other girls who liked him. After wards we ended up back at his place for another swim in the hot tub. Thanks to Bright Eye's not-so-subtle implications, we ended up making out for like... an hour straight. And then we had to rush home.

And he asked me out yesterday.

---

And now i'm pretty much into him.
He knows
About me
And who i am
And he's okay with it
I'm freaking out about this
Its never been that easy
3 days?
Unheard of
I like him
I like him a lot.

♥Free Fallin...

Whale...

"I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like 'I don't feel well'
'I ate before I came'

Then someone tells me how good I look
and for a moment
For a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone
No one hears me cry"

It starts again tonight.
I dont know if its going to be worse this time around
And i dont really care at this point.
What if he's not joking?
What if that is what i really am?


♥Sid

I wish i could have quit you, I wish i never missed you.

"How could you do this to me?

Look at what I made for you, it never was enough and the world is what I gave to you.

I used to be love struck; now I'm just fucked up.

Pull up my sleeves and see the pattern of my cuts!"

I dont think i'm okay with this anymore. I was okay when he hated me; i had accepted it; i had moved on. And now where am i? "I'm sorry. I took your friendship for granted."

I dont know where it goes from here? What did it mean? Is he trying to be friends again? Is he just trying to make sure things are neutral again? Is he just attempting an even playing feild because he feel guilty? Or worst of all: is this just a cruel joke?

I'm uneasy. I dont think tonight will be okay... I'll try, i promise, but i dont think i am going to be okay with this, not tonight. I've tried writing back but nothing comes out right.

"I dont think that i should forgive you because i do not believe you've done anything wrong. You were honest and truthful about how you felt and that is okay. If anything, i feel the need to thank you for the things you had said because you made me that much stronger. It hurt a lot and i was crushed and i dont think i will be the same because of it but i'm okay... Just know that i'll always love you still, no matter what happens after this and i'll always be here for you..."

Thats the best thing i could think of. Not nearly enough said, but that general idea...

I didnt think it would happen and if i did i didnt think it would be this difficult...

&crushed;Sid

When i'm alone... Nobody sees me cry...

"a year and eight months after i was born my mother had a cow
......she named it SID."

Sweet family i have, isnt it?

I kinda want to die?
For good fucking reason?
Do they know?
Obviously not.
I know i'm fat and i've been eating like a pig but still...
I must have done a good job hiding it...
No one knows?

Except my brother does know.
Well, about the cutting.
"We'll turn her emo yet...
Do you want razor blades or hair dye first?
You'll need both eventually, but we're starting you off slow..."
I think i'm a pretty good actress...
They have no idea.
They dont know what i am,
or what i've done.
What i do...

I love it.
Or do i?
I could handle it just fine before...
When Rico made the "cut here" jokes.
Or when Kitty screamed on the phone "Go kill yourself!" as a joke.
I dont know what to do anymore...
Its getting difficult...

&i need you tonight;

I'm not satisfied with where i'm at in life...

Bright Eyes lives with me right now. He has for the past few days... His mother kicked him out and i guess i was the first person he saw online when he snuck back to the house...

My beautiful friend is less then happy about it. She talked to Rico about me likeing him (thankfully he denied anything and everything) but i know shes suspicious. She was telling me yesterday, "I think you should go for that new guy. (a guy we [re]met yesterday... he's kinda quiet but a cute face and seemingly nice...) He's just emo enough to be your type but not so much, ya know?" She's pretty egocentric so its pretty obvious she wants me away from bright eyes.

Its been hard though. We sit and talk all day and night about anything and everything (you know i like it when people talk just to talk. I like to listen...) And i've grown to like him so much more. I understand my beautiful friend's issue with this but i wish she would figure out not to be so... her... about it...

I get it. But the secritive friend card who knows but doesnt want to say anything and wants to suddely imply thing... Ugh. Well, She has nothing to worry about. Bright eyes likes her; he tells me. Besides, i probably wouldnt date him even if he asked... He's too good for me...

...thats a lie.

&fucked;Sid

Behind blue eyes...

I feel sick. Real sick. Pure sickness. I feel like i'm going to throw up. I think i will; I'm getting fatter. I've done nothing but eat this weekend... Ugh. I have a date with some ice later too i think...

I'm talking to my ex right now, trying to sort out my mind. I dont usually break down and try and get help when i can... but i think i need it. Will you look at that? I'm admiting i need help...

Its terrible. My beautiful friend dates bright eyes (or pretty much). I was so hoping i'd have a chance... i guess i'm really nothing compaired to her. I was impressed though, he didnt leave right when she left; he stayed to talk to me. Not long, my mother kicked him out. But enough.

I guess hes nice. A breath of fresh air. I almost see myself with him but i dont see him with me. He's too much of a good thing anyways. I guess this is happening for a reason. Its not supposed to be. Nothing is supposed to be i guess...

My grades are going to be frightening. I havent finished my shop final and i got a 28/54 on the multiple choice section of my AP Lit final. So... This sucks. I'll die if i fail. Thats my shot at college... That one class... Or rather, its a boost up to college...

Estoymuerta,
Behind blue eyes...

Am i not pretty enough?

Is my heart too broken? Do i cry too much? Am i too outspoken? Dont i make you laugh? Should i try it harder?

Why do you see right through me?

...I think that says it all for today.

&broken hearted;

Thank you...

Yesterday started out fun. We had a party for my friend whom was leaving... It just so happens that the party was in a store and we were raising hell... But yes. Bright Eyes was still all over Tina (Go figgure, everyone is) but when she left he was a little bit more open...

He's a nice guy whos lived a shockingly tough life. I dont know how to describe it but it's a mix of me being impressed and proud that he's still so well rounded after such a rough life... He's a good kid. Lots of hobbys and talents and everything else imaginable... The scary thing is that he was just like my ex (the one i was "in love with" whom i'm now officially nicknaming "loverboy"). His actions, his words, his dancing, his singing, his jokes... Its terrifying to think about how bad this little crush is going to get...

Night quickly turned to hell. I made a few mistakes and bad choices but i'm almost glad i did it. This guy and i had hated each other since last year. To be honest, we've hated each other on and off through out the whole 2 and a half years we've known each other (yes, this is the "jackass" who kept leading me on and then going after other girls. The same one who cheated on my friend and hated me for being the reason she found out...). I have said a whole lot of terrible things about him and i know he's thought the same. The past week we hadn't been so angry at each other because he now dates another one of my friends so we've been forced into contact. It wasn't like it used to be where we'd avoid each other and never give a passing glance... But still, we were less then neutral...

Last night i got into some trouble on account of that bad descision... I'm not going to give details, if you want to know, call and ask (most of you have my number). My point is that he had no reservations or hesitations to help me. Him and bright eyes. Those two (as well as his girlfriend) are the reason i'm going to be able to breathe comfortably for the next six months. This mistake was so bad that i would have had to give up cheerleading, the winter formal, and all freedom for the next (roughly) 6 months...

I dont think he'll (or rather they'll) find this, but if the should, Thank you guys. I'm so greatful for all you've done...

&love;Sid

Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile...

So... today was... odd to say the least. I hate what i've become. How dependent and desperate i am for some sort of companionship... Its come to the point where i like a guy simply because he's into football and cars... Is that not the broadest description of a male's quaities and similar interests? I feel so dumb...

Yesterday was crap. I broke my new years resolution and i'm extremely disappointed in myself. But i'm doing one step better then i used to be... It doesnt hurt as much the next day when you reflect back on it... I still cant cry though. I even wanted too... I just couldnt... Its like the song... "And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow..." I cant grow out of who i used to be if i still cant cry...

So today started as crap. I slept little last night on account of the overwhelming thoughts. I woke late this morning and i felt like total shit. I walked through the halls questioning whether or not i'd pretend to be allright today. I didnt know what I'd do, I figured I'd just go along with it. So I drifted the first 2 periods. Rico was passive towards me in first and second is with all the jocks and idiots so i wasnt too happy in there either... But at lunch my Kim and Carrie and found me so i stayed with them. It turns out the new guy whom i've fixed my attention on is friends with one of Kim' s friends. So i got to spend some of lunch with him (laughing, which was a nice change.) And after school he was staying after with a few of my other friends so i got to hang out with him a tiny bit longer... He's fun.

I guess it's because he's not from here. He's a little different then most of the people here... only a little but enough to matter. Its one of those things that you question yourself, "Why?" He's not incredibly hott or anything like the freshman. He's not funny and foolishly perverse like Rico. As far as i know he's not incredibly sweet like my recent ex or loving and caring like J... He's just a boy. Just a random person my brain is going crazy because of and there is no reason behind it...

Anyways, i dont feel so terrible anymore thanks to Bright eyes and that guy (whom i think i will also call "bright eyes" as he has ice blue eyes [that and i think "peice of meat" is a little too poor in taste...])

Sweet Child O' Mine...

My friend had her baby; A beautiful 8 pound 3 ounce 21 inch healthy baby boy. I had a horriffic dream that it was a still birth and intended on hanging out with her today. Then i got a call and headed to the hospital...

She looked so happy. Even his dad looked happy despite him being a douchebag and not caring almost the entire pregnancy... I guess knowing its real changes people. Something about a tangeable body changed him...

I got to hold him for a while. I was so happy i almost cried. It made me think about what it would have been like had my best friend had hers... I cant stop thinking about it; especially after the terribly ironic message i got from her saying her friends sister was so cute she wished she had a baby... I almost died. Actually, i think i did die a little inside.

I talked to my ex today. Innocent at first; casual talk among friends who jump from word to word. Some how i made him think i had lost my virginity and he freaked out. He started questioning it as i wasnt really clear (i said mint tingle condoms were nasty tasting. I've tasted one out of pure curiosity...) and i kept asking, "Why would it matter?"

I find it funny how its perfectly fine if he wants to go out and fuck whatever or whoever he wants but its pretty much a mortal sin for me to even think about it. I dont care when he shares details of his sex life with me but i leave the slightest stone unturned but angled so he gets confused and he freaks out.

He kept saying he hoped it would be special and that he admired me for staying chaste. I laughed. He further said he would kill any guy who had "issues with my abstinance" and i laughed somemore, explaining it was more of the girls who gave me trouble. He said they were Jealous... I continue to laugh.

What can i say, the boy is just like me... He wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. i doubt he still loves me, i think its just that he'd hate to hear the 6 months he suffered was all a waste and someone else got to me first.

I just find all the irony and jealousy hilarious...

Nobody does it better...

I dont know what to think anymore. Even thinking fucks me up too much...

Last night when i was going to bed i started thinking about what my friends had been saying that day, "You're like the worst virgin whore ever. I cant even take you seriously when you say a boy is cute anymore..." "You're going to be the next virgin mary..." Even while we were drooling over the wrestlers without their shirts, my friends still started saying i'd be the last one they'd look at since i'm a virgin.

(Thats what i hate about our school. There is no pleasing anyone anymore. If you're a virgin, they make fun of you for it. If you have sex you're a slut. Theres no winning here... I lose either way. Even if i ever wanted to have sex i'd have to be A. in a relationship and B. it'd have to be longer then 6 months because i know my ex would jump all over the chance to call me a whore because i never slept with him. Its so silly how he says he loves me and he's thinking of me but he's always after my other friend (who is (politely speaking) "promiscuous.” It kind of makes me want to die).

So the thoughts of how my friends feel about me racked my brain last night. I had possibly the oddest dream combining almost ever feeling I had involving 3 people; My brother’s girlfriend, the pretty friend, and the hott freshman (my brother’s girlfriend’s brother).

Anyways, I don’t really want to go into details because its so long, stupid, and confusing but it was so bad I felt impossible to pry myself from sleep this morning. I was late getting up, and all of my tests that I had studied for are now on Monday so I’ll be studying again all weekend so I don’t forget it all, and got yelled at by mom for spilling the bottle of nail polish because she was telling me to pick up more and more, and then had another panic attack.

You all know I’m scared of asphyxiation which is virtually what the panic attack feels like… I felt like I was dieing and my mom was still (even though I was using my bag) felt the need to yell at me for all the things I had to do for her party.

I don’t know why but people are getting to me too much lately. I just feel like shit all the time… I want to curl up in a ball and disappear for a while; see if anyone would miss me…

Walk away...

So i found a song today. It is pretty much one of the most expressive songs i can think of at this point... So much for psuedo-recovery.

What do you do when you know something's bad for you
And you still can't let go?

I was naïve
Your love was like candy
Artificially sweet
I was deceived by the wrapping

Got caught in your web
And I learned how to plead
I was prey in your bed
And devoured completely

And it hurts my soul
Cos I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cos I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

I should have known
I was used for amusement
Couldn't see through the smog
It was all an illusion

Now I've been licking my wounds (licking my wounds)
Woke up in love and seems so great (deeper, deeper)
We both can't subdue
Darling you hold me prisoner (prisoner)

I'm about to break
I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your lure
and I'm feeling for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need...

I can make it
It's some state I'm in
Getting nothing everytime
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this moment
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

Everytime I try to grasp for air
I get smothered and this sky, it's never over, over
Seems I never wake from this nightmare
I let out a solid breath, let it be over, over

Inside I'm screaming
Breaking, pleading the world
Ahh...

My heart has been bruised
So sad but it's true
Each peep reminds me of you

It hurts my soul
Cos I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cos I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need...

I'm about to break
I guess I missed it
I'm addicted to your lure
And I'm feeling for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need...

I can make it
It's some state I'm in
Getting nothing everytime
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this moment
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I say...
I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

Only thing I need to do is walk away

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

&fuck;Sid

Ps. We'll see how it goes but Tina and i are not really eating until snowball. Weird thing, i havent even gotten my dress yet so i dont have any limit.

Not quite what i had hoped...

I have ruined my year. I just realized its really been shitty. Apart from seeing my friend this summer there really hasn't been too many good things...

So right now, i have a date with the bottle of Vodka in my freezer, so heres my to-do list for 2007:

1. Drop 16 pounds (Putting me at 114, a good number)
2. Get stronger (Abs and arms and legs i guess)
3. Get better Grades (Shooting for a 4.0/5.0)
4. Be more organized (School mostly)
5. Be less desperate (Dont stalk the boys... you know how i do)
6. Get hot (Skinny, tan, and better looking all around...)
7. Dont fuck up (No bad relationships, no set backs, no crying over spilt milk or boys or drama)

Wish me luck.