I know everything you want isnt anything you have...

Well, i hate myself. I thought i was going to get over bright eyes? I guess not...

He's been distant lately. Harsh as well. Its almost disgusting the way i rationalize every false move he makes. Everyone around me sees it too, "Why do you like him when he treats everyone (including yourself) like shit?" I cant answer that...

I tried not being friends. Pulling the "shit, i have to go" anytime he's around but it just made me miss him that much more.

"Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry
call I'm desperate for your voice
I'm listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight..."

I hate that he's everyone all wrapped into one...

Sticks and stones
may break your bones
But words can make her starve herself.

My mother called me a whale.
I think that says enough for how i feel right now...

I refuse to eat dinner.
Not until she gets it.
Not until he gets it.
Not until they get it.
I will not eat.
Just so they know.


Its not even about me anymore.

I dont want to miss a thing...

I would like to tell you, I would like to say
That I knew that this would happen
That things would go this way
But I cannot deceive you, this was never planned
I know that you're the right girl but do you think that I am the right man?
She wants revenge - I dont want to fall in love

I'm not with Matt anymore.
I'm happy about it i guess.
I dont want to make him suffer,
and i want something else.

Right now i'm freaking out.
Jo told me Bright eyes used to like me.
When he and Beautiful first started dating.
Rico says everyone knew.
I didnt; why didnt they tell me?

I dont know what to do anymore.
He's another of my ex boyfriends.
Both the one i love, and the airforce ranger.
I'm going insane, or i'm already there.
Which is worse: being insane, or knowing your insane?

I'm so fucked up inside my head
How could i not see that?
I get him so much; i read him so well...
I always knew what he was feeling?
How did i miss the most important thing?

Much ado about nothing...

I'm sorry i complain.

Its just the way i get i guess.

I really dont have anything to complain about.

I mean...

I have a family thats still together

And no one beats me or drinks too much

And i do okay in school

And i'm caption of a varsity sport

I have friends who are hyper-active

And a boyfriend whos crazy about me

Several "sibling extentions" i love

And a good future planned out.

But i dont like it.

Its never enough.

I complain about everything,

And i'm sorry for that.

I guess its how i'm wired

This is proof that i am crazy

I'm sorry i didnt tell you

I swear i would have told you had i known...

I feel disgusting right now...

I picture you in the sun...

"I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong.

And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy.

And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen.

And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in. "

Am i not ment to be happy?

Its okay if i'm not, i wont be angry, i promise.

I just want to know so i can stop trying so hard?

Last night's dance was fun. But terrible at the same time.

Beautiful felt like shit. Bright eyes felt like shit. Kittie felt like shit.

I was happy for a molment i suppose. It felt good to be there with Matt,

But at the same time i wanted to be anywhere else in the world.

How terrible am i?

I like Matt. I like him a lot.

He's nice and he gets me and he's so much like me.

But i want more?

I want bright eyes.

What is the cause of my fixation?

Why am i so into him?

He's not even that great of a guy.

He's moody, and blunt, and a tad bit apathetic.

But i cant stop thinking about him...

He kissed me last night.

I wouldnt call it a kiss though.

He pretended to kiss the three others there too.

KK was one of em. I think Kittie was another...

He did it right infront of Matt.

A breif second, as if it wasnt even supposed to hit my lips.

A pretend one, like the others.

But it wasnt. He had hold of my face and pulled me in.

How terrible am i?

And to top that off, i've been thinking about my ex.

He moved to Texas for airforce training.

We had started talking a little before he left.

We were making plans to hang out,

It just didnt quite work out as i had hoped.

Phone calls and miscommunications.

I havent seen him in a long time.

I dont think that i will see him for a long time comming.

Its killing me...

Meg wants me to go see him with her this summer.

She and her boyfriend are going down for the 4th.

They're starting in Washington, she figures just get me from California on the way.

She thinks he might like to see me.

I wish he did.

I hope he might call or something sometime.

I miss him so much...

How terrible am i?

Mentiroso

He found out. My brother found out. About the line. About the crying. About it. I quote:

You cant do that.
Its not fair.
Its not fair to mom or dad.
Its not fair to me.

I dont understand how he could say such a thing after all the other things he has said.
Its so hypocritical for him to say i cant do that after telling me to cut myself as a joke.
He said he cares and i really want to beat him because of what she is...
Un Mentiroso, A liar.

More feelings once i sort out the rest of the confusion.

Everything just falls to peices...

Its all falling apart.

Very fast.

Very quick.

Its very sickening.

Bright eyes is in hell.

So is beautiful.

And so is Matt.

And so am I.

Last night was bad. Very bad. I crashed. I cried. I did a line. I wanted to die. And then i tryied to be okay with it all. It didnt work out so well.

We're still doing damage control. I'm talking to bright eyes right now, i'm so worried about him. I dont think he knows i care as much as i do. I dont think anyone knows i care as much as i do. Everyone says that its impossible for anyone to truely care about anyone but themselves but i dont think they get it...

I dont think they get me...

I'm free...

So, Things have happened?

As of yesterday i have a boyfriend. A cute boy, the new one, i think i've mentioned him? Well, you know how paranoid i am with real names, i've already had a girl ask if i was "sid" in school last week. So, My boyfriend, Matt, is a real sweetheart. A quiet kid, but once you get to know him he loves to talk. It happened kinda fast...

He had a party this past weekend at his house. Hot tub, truth or dare, spin the bottle... By the end of it all i'd pretty much made out with him 5 times, as well as a few girls (dares are a bitch) and to top it all off KK and i did a line in the bathroom so i was kinda out of it all.

Next day we all went driving around. We smoked a bowl and then busted in on a fewcrack heads accidently, trailed a taxi, and then ended up back at my house. I went and spent the night at my beautiful friend's house and tried helping her and bright eyes quit arguing. (They go at it like they're married). Apparantly Bright eyes talked to Matt that night and he admiteed to liking me (But apparantly he's a little odd about the whole "virgin" thing... go fucking figure).

Superbowl party the next day? I was gone again, i think i've found a new love. Matt and I sat together the whole party (He was rather shocked that i was actually that into football...) and i kept getting evil glairs from the two other girls who liked him. After wards we ended up back at his place for another swim in the hot tub. Thanks to Bright Eye's not-so-subtle implications, we ended up making out for like... an hour straight. And then we had to rush home.

And he asked me out yesterday.

---

And now i'm pretty much into him.
He knows
About me
And who i am
And he's okay with it
I'm freaking out about this
Its never been that easy
3 days?
Unheard of
I like him
I like him a lot.

♥Free Fallin...