Whale...

"I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like 'I don't feel well'
'I ate before I came'

Then someone tells me how good I look
and for a moment
For a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone
No one hears me cry"

It starts again tonight.
I dont know if its going to be worse this time around
And i dont really care at this point.
What if he's not joking?
What if that is what i really am?


♥Sid

I wish i could have quit you, I wish i never missed you.

"How could you do this to me?

Look at what I made for you, it never was enough and the world is what I gave to you.

I used to be love struck; now I'm just fucked up.

Pull up my sleeves and see the pattern of my cuts!"

I dont think i'm okay with this anymore. I was okay when he hated me; i had accepted it; i had moved on. And now where am i? "I'm sorry. I took your friendship for granted."

I dont know where it goes from here? What did it mean? Is he trying to be friends again? Is he just trying to make sure things are neutral again? Is he just attempting an even playing feild because he feel guilty? Or worst of all: is this just a cruel joke?

I'm uneasy. I dont think tonight will be okay... I'll try, i promise, but i dont think i am going to be okay with this, not tonight. I've tried writing back but nothing comes out right.

"I dont think that i should forgive you because i do not believe you've done anything wrong. You were honest and truthful about how you felt and that is okay. If anything, i feel the need to thank you for the things you had said because you made me that much stronger. It hurt a lot and i was crushed and i dont think i will be the same because of it but i'm okay... Just know that i'll always love you still, no matter what happens after this and i'll always be here for you..."

Thats the best thing i could think of. Not nearly enough said, but that general idea...

I didnt think it would happen and if i did i didnt think it would be this difficult...

&crushed;Sid

When i'm alone... Nobody sees me cry...

"a year and eight months after i was born my mother had a cow
......she named it SID."

Sweet family i have, isnt it?

I kinda want to die?
For good fucking reason?
Do they know?
Obviously not.
I know i'm fat and i've been eating like a pig but still...
I must have done a good job hiding it...
No one knows?

Except my brother does know.
Well, about the cutting.
"We'll turn her emo yet...
Do you want razor blades or hair dye first?
You'll need both eventually, but we're starting you off slow..."
I think i'm a pretty good actress...
They have no idea.
They dont know what i am,
or what i've done.
What i do...

I love it.
Or do i?
I could handle it just fine before...
When Rico made the "cut here" jokes.
Or when Kitty screamed on the phone "Go kill yourself!" as a joke.
I dont know what to do anymore...
Its getting difficult...

&i need you tonight;

I'm not satisfied with where i'm at in life...

Bright Eyes lives with me right now. He has for the past few days... His mother kicked him out and i guess i was the first person he saw online when he snuck back to the house...

My beautiful friend is less then happy about it. She talked to Rico about me likeing him (thankfully he denied anything and everything) but i know shes suspicious. She was telling me yesterday, "I think you should go for that new guy. (a guy we [re]met yesterday... he's kinda quiet but a cute face and seemingly nice...) He's just emo enough to be your type but not so much, ya know?" She's pretty egocentric so its pretty obvious she wants me away from bright eyes.

Its been hard though. We sit and talk all day and night about anything and everything (you know i like it when people talk just to talk. I like to listen...) And i've grown to like him so much more. I understand my beautiful friend's issue with this but i wish she would figure out not to be so... her... about it...

I get it. But the secritive friend card who knows but doesnt want to say anything and wants to suddely imply thing... Ugh. Well, She has nothing to worry about. Bright eyes likes her; he tells me. Besides, i probably wouldnt date him even if he asked... He's too good for me...

...thats a lie.

&fucked;Sid

Behind blue eyes...

I feel sick. Real sick. Pure sickness. I feel like i'm going to throw up. I think i will; I'm getting fatter. I've done nothing but eat this weekend... Ugh. I have a date with some ice later too i think...

I'm talking to my ex right now, trying to sort out my mind. I dont usually break down and try and get help when i can... but i think i need it. Will you look at that? I'm admiting i need help...

Its terrible. My beautiful friend dates bright eyes (or pretty much). I was so hoping i'd have a chance... i guess i'm really nothing compaired to her. I was impressed though, he didnt leave right when she left; he stayed to talk to me. Not long, my mother kicked him out. But enough.

I guess hes nice. A breath of fresh air. I almost see myself with him but i dont see him with me. He's too much of a good thing anyways. I guess this is happening for a reason. Its not supposed to be. Nothing is supposed to be i guess...

My grades are going to be frightening. I havent finished my shop final and i got a 28/54 on the multiple choice section of my AP Lit final. So... This sucks. I'll die if i fail. Thats my shot at college... That one class... Or rather, its a boost up to college...

Estoymuerta,
Behind blue eyes...

Am i not pretty enough?

Is my heart too broken? Do i cry too much? Am i too outspoken? Dont i make you laugh? Should i try it harder?

Why do you see right through me?

...I think that says it all for today.

&broken hearted;

Thank you...

Yesterday started out fun. We had a party for my friend whom was leaving... It just so happens that the party was in a store and we were raising hell... But yes. Bright Eyes was still all over Tina (Go figgure, everyone is) but when she left he was a little bit more open...

He's a nice guy whos lived a shockingly tough life. I dont know how to describe it but it's a mix of me being impressed and proud that he's still so well rounded after such a rough life... He's a good kid. Lots of hobbys and talents and everything else imaginable... The scary thing is that he was just like my ex (the one i was "in love with" whom i'm now officially nicknaming "loverboy"). His actions, his words, his dancing, his singing, his jokes... Its terrifying to think about how bad this little crush is going to get...

Night quickly turned to hell. I made a few mistakes and bad choices but i'm almost glad i did it. This guy and i had hated each other since last year. To be honest, we've hated each other on and off through out the whole 2 and a half years we've known each other (yes, this is the "jackass" who kept leading me on and then going after other girls. The same one who cheated on my friend and hated me for being the reason she found out...). I have said a whole lot of terrible things about him and i know he's thought the same. The past week we hadn't been so angry at each other because he now dates another one of my friends so we've been forced into contact. It wasn't like it used to be where we'd avoid each other and never give a passing glance... But still, we were less then neutral...

Last night i got into some trouble on account of that bad descision... I'm not going to give details, if you want to know, call and ask (most of you have my number). My point is that he had no reservations or hesitations to help me. Him and bright eyes. Those two (as well as his girlfriend) are the reason i'm going to be able to breathe comfortably for the next six months. This mistake was so bad that i would have had to give up cheerleading, the winter formal, and all freedom for the next (roughly) 6 months...

I dont think he'll (or rather they'll) find this, but if the should, Thank you guys. I'm so greatful for all you've done...

&love;Sid

Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile...

So... today was... odd to say the least. I hate what i've become. How dependent and desperate i am for some sort of companionship... Its come to the point where i like a guy simply because he's into football and cars... Is that not the broadest description of a male's quaities and similar interests? I feel so dumb...

Yesterday was crap. I broke my new years resolution and i'm extremely disappointed in myself. But i'm doing one step better then i used to be... It doesnt hurt as much the next day when you reflect back on it... I still cant cry though. I even wanted too... I just couldnt... Its like the song... "And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow..." I cant grow out of who i used to be if i still cant cry...

So today started as crap. I slept little last night on account of the overwhelming thoughts. I woke late this morning and i felt like total shit. I walked through the halls questioning whether or not i'd pretend to be allright today. I didnt know what I'd do, I figured I'd just go along with it. So I drifted the first 2 periods. Rico was passive towards me in first and second is with all the jocks and idiots so i wasnt too happy in there either... But at lunch my Kim and Carrie and found me so i stayed with them. It turns out the new guy whom i've fixed my attention on is friends with one of Kim' s friends. So i got to spend some of lunch with him (laughing, which was a nice change.) And after school he was staying after with a few of my other friends so i got to hang out with him a tiny bit longer... He's fun.

I guess it's because he's not from here. He's a little different then most of the people here... only a little but enough to matter. Its one of those things that you question yourself, "Why?" He's not incredibly hott or anything like the freshman. He's not funny and foolishly perverse like Rico. As far as i know he's not incredibly sweet like my recent ex or loving and caring like J... He's just a boy. Just a random person my brain is going crazy because of and there is no reason behind it...

Anyways, i dont feel so terrible anymore thanks to Bright eyes and that guy (whom i think i will also call "bright eyes" as he has ice blue eyes [that and i think "peice of meat" is a little too poor in taste...])

Sweet Child O' Mine...

My friend had her baby; A beautiful 8 pound 3 ounce 21 inch healthy baby boy. I had a horriffic dream that it was a still birth and intended on hanging out with her today. Then i got a call and headed to the hospital...

She looked so happy. Even his dad looked happy despite him being a douchebag and not caring almost the entire pregnancy... I guess knowing its real changes people. Something about a tangeable body changed him...

I got to hold him for a while. I was so happy i almost cried. It made me think about what it would have been like had my best friend had hers... I cant stop thinking about it; especially after the terribly ironic message i got from her saying her friends sister was so cute she wished she had a baby... I almost died. Actually, i think i did die a little inside.

I talked to my ex today. Innocent at first; casual talk among friends who jump from word to word. Some how i made him think i had lost my virginity and he freaked out. He started questioning it as i wasnt really clear (i said mint tingle condoms were nasty tasting. I've tasted one out of pure curiosity...) and i kept asking, "Why would it matter?"

I find it funny how its perfectly fine if he wants to go out and fuck whatever or whoever he wants but its pretty much a mortal sin for me to even think about it. I dont care when he shares details of his sex life with me but i leave the slightest stone unturned but angled so he gets confused and he freaks out.

He kept saying he hoped it would be special and that he admired me for staying chaste. I laughed. He further said he would kill any guy who had "issues with my abstinance" and i laughed somemore, explaining it was more of the girls who gave me trouble. He said they were Jealous... I continue to laugh.

What can i say, the boy is just like me... He wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. i doubt he still loves me, i think its just that he'd hate to hear the 6 months he suffered was all a waste and someone else got to me first.

I just find all the irony and jealousy hilarious...

Nobody does it better...

I dont know what to think anymore. Even thinking fucks me up too much...

Last night when i was going to bed i started thinking about what my friends had been saying that day, "You're like the worst virgin whore ever. I cant even take you seriously when you say a boy is cute anymore..." "You're going to be the next virgin mary..." Even while we were drooling over the wrestlers without their shirts, my friends still started saying i'd be the last one they'd look at since i'm a virgin.

(Thats what i hate about our school. There is no pleasing anyone anymore. If you're a virgin, they make fun of you for it. If you have sex you're a slut. Theres no winning here... I lose either way. Even if i ever wanted to have sex i'd have to be A. in a relationship and B. it'd have to be longer then 6 months because i know my ex would jump all over the chance to call me a whore because i never slept with him. Its so silly how he says he loves me and he's thinking of me but he's always after my other friend (who is (politely speaking) "promiscuous.” It kind of makes me want to die).

So the thoughts of how my friends feel about me racked my brain last night. I had possibly the oddest dream combining almost ever feeling I had involving 3 people; My brother’s girlfriend, the pretty friend, and the hott freshman (my brother’s girlfriend’s brother).

Anyways, I don’t really want to go into details because its so long, stupid, and confusing but it was so bad I felt impossible to pry myself from sleep this morning. I was late getting up, and all of my tests that I had studied for are now on Monday so I’ll be studying again all weekend so I don’t forget it all, and got yelled at by mom for spilling the bottle of nail polish because she was telling me to pick up more and more, and then had another panic attack.

You all know I’m scared of asphyxiation which is virtually what the panic attack feels like… I felt like I was dieing and my mom was still (even though I was using my bag) felt the need to yell at me for all the things I had to do for her party.

I don’t know why but people are getting to me too much lately. I just feel like shit all the time… I want to curl up in a ball and disappear for a while; see if anyone would miss me…

Walk away...

So i found a song today. It is pretty much one of the most expressive songs i can think of at this point... So much for psuedo-recovery.

What do you do when you know something's bad for you
And you still can't let go?

I was naïve
Your love was like candy
Artificially sweet
I was deceived by the wrapping

Got caught in your web
And I learned how to plead
I was prey in your bed
And devoured completely

And it hurts my soul
Cos I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cos I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

I should have known
I was used for amusement
Couldn't see through the smog
It was all an illusion

Now I've been licking my wounds (licking my wounds)
Woke up in love and seems so great (deeper, deeper)
We both can't subdue
Darling you hold me prisoner (prisoner)

I'm about to break
I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your lure
and I'm feeling for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need...

I can make it
It's some state I'm in
Getting nothing everytime
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this moment
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

Everytime I try to grasp for air
I get smothered and this sky, it's never over, over
Seems I never wake from this nightmare
I let out a solid breath, let it be over, over

Inside I'm screaming
Breaking, pleading the world
Ahh...

My heart has been bruised
So sad but it's true
Each peep reminds me of you

It hurts my soul
Cos I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cos I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need...

I'm about to break
I guess I missed it
I'm addicted to your lure
And I'm feeling for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need...

I can make it
It's some state I'm in
Getting nothing everytime
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this moment
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I say...
I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

Only thing I need to do is walk away

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

I need to get away from it
I need to walk away from it
Get away, walk away, walk away

&fuck;Sid

Ps. We'll see how it goes but Tina and i are not really eating until snowball. Weird thing, i havent even gotten my dress yet so i dont have any limit.

Not quite what i had hoped...

I have ruined my year. I just realized its really been shitty. Apart from seeing my friend this summer there really hasn't been too many good things...

So right now, i have a date with the bottle of Vodka in my freezer, so heres my to-do list for 2007:

1. Drop 16 pounds (Putting me at 114, a good number)
2. Get stronger (Abs and arms and legs i guess)
3. Get better Grades (Shooting for a 4.0/5.0)
4. Be more organized (School mostly)
5. Be less desperate (Dont stalk the boys... you know how i do)
6. Get hot (Skinny, tan, and better looking all around...)
7. Dont fuck up (No bad relationships, no set backs, no crying over spilt milk or boys or drama)

Wish me luck.