Never ending orb

Depression sets in again. I knew it was coming I suppose, it always does. I just want a little break… Maybe a year off or perhaps not even that, just a small amount of time where I don’t feel the urge to cry.

He told my friend that he didn’t cheat on me, that they’re just rumors. She believes him. I believe my heart. It says, “Either way you’re still to crazy about him to let him go. So why does it even matter if he did?” I’m frightened. My heart is a tricky player with an odd assortment of cards under the table. Even if he didn’t or even if he did, things aren’t the way they were. The first two weeks were amazing, the third we didn’t talk, and now we approach 1 month and he’s with other people all the time. I saw him in Walmart and at Safeway yesterday. The extent of an “us” that showed through was only when he picked me up from behind to scare me. No other hugs, no kiss goodnight, no “I’ll call you tomorrow!” or anything. Its like I’m a friend. “A nod and a casual wave.” That song by She Wants Revenge is so perfect…

“It's cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, knees get weak
escape was just a nod and a casual wave
Obsess about it, heavy for the next two days

It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow”

Yes. Its just like that… I keep hoping things will go back to how they were. I was happy, I never cried, I was different. Change isn’t always a bad thing, is it? That change was good, this change is bad. I just want him to feel the same way… For once, would someone do that for me?

In addition my mother is driving me crazy. She wants me to do everything possible around the house. And she expects me to get good grades all year. And she is being a total bitch about cheerleading. Its like that situation where the mother lives through her daughter… My mother is making my life revolve around cheerleading before it even starts. She was constantly yelling at me last week to practice for tryouts and such. She actually stayed and watched the first part of the tryout sessions. I wanted to smack her. It’s a tryout, not a show, she should not be there. She was still telling me to practice all week. She had the nerve to tell me that I was a shoo-in. Hah, she told me that about Basketball season last year. I almost didn’t get in. She also told me that about the caption position. Didn’t get that at all. She always says shit like that and its hardly ever true…

Today she forced me to go to lunch with her, her friend, and her daughter. Don’t get me wrong, she’s nice and fun to cheer with but I’m sick of my mom trying to push her into the position of best friend and role model. I don’t want to be like her and I really don’t like hanging out with her. My mom didn’t even ask if I wanted to go either. I had made plans to go paintballing with my brother and my friend. It was even snowing so it would have made it even more fun. But no, I couldn’t go. We were actually supposed to go yesterday but she wouldn’t let us either.

That’s another thing. I feel like the detachable extra wheel. I haven’t spent any time with one of my closest friends in a week or two apart from the bare moments she was helping me when I heard he cheated on me. Nothing else… I was really looking forward to hanging out with her today. Now she’s out with my brother and our exchange having dinner with her dad. I’d probably be welcome to come had I gone paintballing… But no. Instead I’m eating alone tonight (if at all) and avoiding (conflict with) my mother.

I’m skipping dinner tonight. I figure I already got a meal out of a few cookies and some popcorn at Boo’s house. Her mum also made hot chocolate… I’m such a fat ass at times. I saw my vitals from the 3rd of January this year. I weighed only 127 pounds fully clothed. When I stepped on the scale at the doctors for my physical, I was 140 again. Granted, I was wearing shoes and heavy jeans and a sweat shirt but I was still grossly over weight. I weighed before the shower that night and was a pressed 135. Better but not enough. I’m going to be flying this year. Flyers are not 135 pounds. Maximum of 122.5. No joke. I’m down to 130 again and holding, pretty good for a few days. Yes, I have been eating lately… Be happy. I’m not. I’m trying though… I promise…

-Sad Sid.