Nobody does it better...

I dont know what to think anymore. Even thinking fucks me up too much...

Last night when i was going to bed i started thinking about what my friends had been saying that day, "You're like the worst virgin whore ever. I cant even take you seriously when you say a boy is cute anymore..." "You're going to be the next virgin mary..." Even while we were drooling over the wrestlers without their shirts, my friends still started saying i'd be the last one they'd look at since i'm a virgin.

(Thats what i hate about our school. There is no pleasing anyone anymore. If you're a virgin, they make fun of you for it. If you have sex you're a slut. Theres no winning here... I lose either way. Even if i ever wanted to have sex i'd have to be A. in a relationship and B. it'd have to be longer then 6 months because i know my ex would jump all over the chance to call me a whore because i never slept with him. Its so silly how he says he loves me and he's thinking of me but he's always after my other friend (who is (politely speaking) "promiscuous.” It kind of makes me want to die).

So the thoughts of how my friends feel about me racked my brain last night. I had possibly the oddest dream combining almost ever feeling I had involving 3 people; My brother’s girlfriend, the pretty friend, and the hott freshman (my brother’s girlfriend’s brother).

Anyways, I don’t really want to go into details because its so long, stupid, and confusing but it was so bad I felt impossible to pry myself from sleep this morning. I was late getting up, and all of my tests that I had studied for are now on Monday so I’ll be studying again all weekend so I don’t forget it all, and got yelled at by mom for spilling the bottle of nail polish because she was telling me to pick up more and more, and then had another panic attack.

You all know I’m scared of asphyxiation which is virtually what the panic attack feels like… I felt like I was dieing and my mom was still (even though I was using my bag) felt the need to yell at me for all the things I had to do for her party.

I don’t know why but people are getting to me too much lately. I just feel like shit all the time… I want to curl up in a ball and disappear for a while; see if anyone would miss me…